Fast Food (1989)

"May God forgive me for setting you two clowns loose on society." - Dean Witler

Some sleazy college kids open a burger joint, and the burgers make people horny because of some sauce laced with drugs... But I couldn't stomach this!
Starring: Clark Brandon, Blake Clark, Tracy Griffith, with Jim Varney and Traci Lords

Link to IMDB

When it comes to trashy B-movies, I am a very forgiving viewer. I am willing to accept a lot of crap if you can keep my attention... But Fast Food basically just annoyed the hell out of me.

We meet these two idiots, Auggie and Drew, as they hustle and womanize all across their campus. Are these the main characters? And are we supposed to like them? Ugh! The Dean has had enough, and kicks them out of college.

Nothing happens for a long time but we do meet Wrangler Bob (Jim Varney,) a crude fast-food business man who makes all the burgers in town. There's some fun seeing Varney play a villain, but he doesn't do anything new with the role.


30 minutes into the movie, and we finally get to a real plot. Auggie's love interest, Sam, owns a local gas station that Wrangler Bob wants to turn into a restaurant, but Sam and Auggie decide to open their own burger joint instead... And it fails horribly.  Auggie, being the sociopath that he is, starts spiking the sauce with stolen chemicals that make people horny. Antics ensue, but Sam's place is now pumping out burgers and she's making lots of cash.

Burgers !

This happens.

Traci Lords finally shows up after more than an hour, but it's basically just a cameo role that goes nowhere.
Somehow, the ending gets even more boring than the beginning! I was constantly checking how much more movie I had to endure.
To be fair, there are a few laughs to find here, but they are very far apart and drier than a month old burger bun. A lot of pointless crap gets in the way of the story, and the premise for any fun feels completely wasted.

Be sure not to miss:
- At least the opening title font was awesome!
- I liked that Drew eventually calls Auggie on his shit. Even his friends find him disgusting!
- The judge's name is Judge Reinholte.
- Michael J. Pollard has a small role, and even makes a subtle reference to Bonnie and Clyde.

Internet review:
"I'll probably sell it in my next garage sale." - S. Rassmussen

Should I watch it?
No, it's just a waste of time. Varney and Lords are what made me watch it, but they can't save this mess.

Where can I find it?
Viable links here.

Fast Food gets...