My Uncle, The Alien (1996)

"I'm tired of you, I'm tired of being kidnapped, and I'm tired of your stupid uncle!" - Zig

The President's daughter uses her extraterrestrial influence to spare the fate of a children's shelter. But what about the fate of the audience!?
Starring: Haley Foster, Josh Paddock, some dumb alien

Link to IMDB

Being kidnapped is boring

Kelly is the young daughter of the President, and she's helping raise awareness for a group of orphans (which I affectionately called the Crumb Crew,) but when their shelter loses funding Kelly needs to find a way to keep the Crumbs from becoming homeless.
The first 60 seconds of the movie had already established that Kelly has some sort of mystical other-worldly "Uncle" at the Whitehouse, but you might as well forget all about that. We don't see any alien action for a long time!
Instead, Kelly and the Crumb Crew try to contact a Senator for assistance, but she just ends up getting herself kidnapped by some idiotic jokers named Ratt and Skeeter.

Kelly also meets Zig, who is a young boy living on the streets with no belongings except a pair of roller blades. He's the only witness to Kelly's kidnapping, so he feels responsible to rescue her but ends up getting kidnapped too. By this time I was yelling, "Where's the alien!? Why doesn't the alien help!? Why do I watch such terrible movies!?"

"I'm sort of a Santa."  - Uncle

Despite the occasional random laser blast, Uncle doesn't decide to help until the end of the movie. He then delivers some bullshit inspirational advice and takes off. Really? That's all we get?
To be fair though, everyone involved here was honestly trying to make a good movie about growing up. Young kids in the 90's might have actually liked this for some laughs, but it's unfortunate that Uncle is largely ignored when he's clearly the main draw of the movie.

The Crumb Crew

Be sure not to miss:
- Superman and Star Trek exhibits? This museum is pretty cool.
- "You toilet-bagging, four wheeled, running-over-everyones-foot pudding headed dwarf!"

Internet review:
"I...uh.....I...uh....what is this?" - RobinsTaste

Should I watch it?
When your inner 10 year old needs attention, or you're a drunk idiot like me looking for garbage.

Where can I find it?
Besides the bargain bin at a dollar store, it's also on YouTube

My Uncle the Alien gets...

Surfing the Ham Channel #1

Tonight, Surfing the Ham Channel presents a very special installment...

The premiere episode of Double Dare on Nickelodeon, 1986

"You know what your problem is? You're a little bit afraid to get dirty."  - Host, Marc Summers

"Be sure to catch this evening of absurdity as nervous children are forced to perform poorly designed challenges as punishment for not knowing trivia answers! Watch as they must endure a studio environment that has no regard for safety, and it all happens in front of a live audience of their peers! It's non-stop laughs as the host barely knows what the rules are, and might possibly be trying to kill himself with shaving cream the entire time!"





Stay tuned for!
- Fantastic consolation prizes, like green slime and some gum!
- Tiffany falls a few times, but strategically uses her face to cushion the fall!
- Garfield telephone!
- Right at the start, the announcer definitely says "fuck it" instead of "bucket." Followed by the host saying "The only shit hole that allows you to win..." I assume they double dared each other.

The Dark (1979)

"You'd rather see brains on the sidewalk than those swimsuit shows?" - Sherman Moss

A monster stalks the streets of Los Angeles, killing and mutilating random victims. Even with the help of detectives, reporters and a mysterious psychic, I still barely knew what was going on.
Starring: William Devane, Cathy Lee Crosby, Vivian Blaine, Richard Jaeckel

Link to IMDB

First, some back story on this production. The movie was originally meant to be about a mutated man that became a zombie and unleashed his rage on the city around him, but then the original director, Tobe Hooper, left the project and the monster was changed to an alien midway through shooting. This leads to some confusing details and exposition that was clearly thrown in as afterthoughts.

Definitely not a zombie !

As you slowly meet the characters and struggle to understand where they fit into the paper-thin plot, the only thing you know for sure is that everyone's worried about the murders. A lot of people seem to die in this movie, but you hardly ever see any of it. Most of the killings happen across town while we are forced to listen to people slur through conversations, and when the monster is on the screen it's so dark you can barely tell what's going on. There are some cheap special effects, but they save most of the fun stuff for the ending.

"Zombie? Mangler? I don't wanna hear those two words again!"  - Cpt. Speer

Get this man a bib !

This is one of those movies that doesn't worry about having a good story, and instead relies on its ability to hypnotize you with a quality of gonzo surrealism that the filmmakers had not intended. I didn't really know what has happening half the time, but I was totally invested in the movie regardless. I had to see what would happen next, even though I didn't care about anything!
There are some amusing characters to watch for, like the sloppy cop who was really going for the Mitchell angle on his character.

Overall, The Dark is a good example of a movie that separates the casual B-movie fan from the hardcore fan. Most people won't have the patience for such a mess, but I'm always willing to forgive a movie that can boggle my mind.


Be sure not to miss:
- What's with the blind man wandering in and out of the movie? Is he a representation of humanity being in the dark, or does he symbolize the blind nature of the monster's rage?  ...Probably just a hobo.
- That car is pretty rad.

Internet review:
"It does make sense that this movie doesn't make any sense"  - Vomitron_G

Should I watch it?
We have sat through, and enjoyed, much worse.

Where can I find it?
On YouTube

The Dark gets...

Schlock (1973)

A small town is terrorized by "The Banana Killer" which turns out to be the missing link between my sanity and madness.
Starring: Eliza Roberts, Saul Kahan, and directed by John Landis

Monkeying around.

The movie starts with a bizarre intro that seems to be suggesting that Schlock is one of the most important events in human history. After having your mind and eardrums blown by that, we see the details of a playground littered with banana peels and corpses, and as the police haul the bodies away there is happy flute music playing. This is the type of dichotomy the movie loves to use. It takes awhile to wrap your head around what the mood of the movie is supposed to be. Is it a comedy? Is it a monster movie? Is it social commentary? Well, it's a bit of everything, often in the same scene.


Landis made this to be purposefully trashy, as a satire with low brow gags and non sequiturs in every scene. It's not as good as the classics by Mel Brooks, but still has moments where it can get some laughs, even if it's out of sheer audacity.
The killer ape, which we learn is actually the missing link named Shlockthropus, turns out to be the star of the movie. We follow him around town as he looks for food, catches a movie at the theater, and makes friends with a blind girl. Occasionally he murders someone for no reason, reminding us that he's just a wild beast, but still the most likeable character in the movie.

The gorilla my dreams.

Sgt. Wino on the case.

The police do a real half-ass job tracking the ape, leading to a shocking 789 deaths in town!
Despite all the chaos and slapstick, it's not too exhausting to endure the constant satire, but you will feel a bit bananas at the end.
The creature makeup looks pretty good, as this was one the first films that legend Rick Baker worked on. John Landis himself wears the costume through the whole movie.

Sorry about the puns, I've been schlocked!


Be sure not to miss:
- The cop was reading Stalking the Wild Asparagus by Euell Gibbons.
- I like how the reporter never shakes hands.

Internet review:
"This movie did something to me, something subversive. (I can't remember what, exactly, but it was really something.)"  - enigmann

Should I watch it?
It's weird and trashy, but has earned a cult following for good reason.

Where can I find it?
It was hard to track down, but this video does work. At first it looks like it crashes, but give it a sec.

Schlock gets...

Balance of Power (1996)

"What's the most important thing about learning karate?"  - Billy Blanks
"Kicking some butt, man."  - Kid

aka: Hidden Tiger
Billy Blanks runs a dojo for under-privileged kids, but is shaken down by gangsters demanding protection money. Billy Blanks is going to have to do some serious training if he wants to win the ultimate death match to get revenge.
Starring: Billy Blanks, Mako, James Lew, Lisa Jai

Link to IMDB

Billy Banks, really in the zone

Yes, it's another action movie with Billy Blanks, but this might just be the best one he's done. He still can't act or pronounce words correctly, but the plot's a bit more obvious (and predictable) than his usual stuff, so we aren't forced to rely on Billy Blanks to carry the story or get distracted by virtual reality effects. Just a traditional beat-em' up movie.
The first thing after the credits is a brutal fight with some cringe inducing injuries, and this sets the dark tone for most of this movie. The fighters are all legitimate athletes, so at least we see some decent martial arts.
It's not all fighting and blood though. Billy Banks meets some new friends, Master Matsumoto and his granddaughter Jasmine. These two are pretty chill, as they are constantly insulting Billy Blanks in amusing ways.



Matsumoto needs to train Billy Blanks mentally and physically to become the best fighter, and the extended training sequence might be the best part of the movie. It's rather entertaining to see Billy Blanks get slapped and insulted by his friends, which adds some much needed levity to the somber tone of the story.

Mr. Billy Blanks, you're ugly and stupid. The end.

Billy Blanks also has to survive an ordeal in a secret cave before he can gain access to the final fight. These scenes feel really out of place, as Billy Blanks is guided by a mysterious monk through a series of Dungeons & Dragons inspired traps to prove he's a worthy warrior... or something.

"I got some shit that will make your karate go skyyy hiiigh."  - Thug

Be sure not to miss:
- Sunny beaches one minute, snowy forest the next? Yup, filmed in Canada.
- The steam room scene gets weird.
- Billy Blanks

Internet review:
"I've seen better acting in Rice Krispies commercials."  - gator1110

Should I watch it?
You know you have to.

Where can I find it?
Found it on YouTube... with a weird intro.

Balance of Power gets...

The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant (1971)

"My neck hurts."  - Danny

"Our neck hurts, ya stupid."  - Cass

A secluded scientist conducting experiments on head transplantation finds a way to take the final step and test the procedure on humans. He gets ahead of himself though, as things go horribly wrong.
Starring: Bruce Dern, Casey Kasem, Pat Priest

Link to IMDB

2-Headed takes a different path than The Thing with Two Heads (1972) which had fun with the odd-couple on the run premise, this movie aims to be less of a comedy and instead embraces the sleaze of the low budget sci-fi genre.
Two things you'll quickly find remarkable (besides the heads) are the music and the editing. The soundtrack itself seems to have been transplanted from another movie entirely, as it's mostly psychedelic flutes and sultry guitars. An odd choice because the story is often sad and cruel. The editing, which gets experimental at times, seems to be barely keeping the physical film reel together let alone the continuity of a few scenes.

:(

The head of the Transplant lab

After all the characters are established, the anticipation sets in to get everyone together and move some heads around! The wait is worthwhile, because the "monster" goes on a murderous rampage fueled by the insanity and confusion of the conflicting heads. When the police get involved, the scientist has to make a decision. Does he destroy his creation or let it destroy the world?!

"The Doc must have been brewing up some Jekyll and Hyde joy juice in here."  - Police officer

The monkey you can't un-see.

Be sure not to miss:
- The feeling that you might be on LSD
- This was packaged on a double-header DVD with The Thing with Two Heads.

Internet review:
"An exercise in watching all the different ways you can photograph a two-headed dude aimlessly walking through a field."  - JD

Should I watch it?
I still gotta recommend it. This movie knows exactly what it is, and it does it very well.

Where can I find it?
This video worked great for me. Might need to update your DivX player.
There are other links on Primewire.


The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant gets...

The Wrong Guys (1988)

"I hate stinkin' pancakes!!"  - Duke

Five former cub scouts have a reunion and go camping on the mountain they never conquered. High jinks ensue when their childhood enemies and a group of escaped convicts get involved.
Starring: Tim Thomerson, Richard Lewis, John Goodman, Richard Belzer, Brion James, Ernie Hudson     ...oh yeah, and Louie Anderson.

Link to IMDB

Do we really need Louie Anderson here ?

Even with this great star studded cast I was expecting a train wreck, but I ended up being pleasantly surprised. The movie is insane and some of the antics get a bit over the top, but there are some real laughs here and all the actors know how to make the wacky material work. Well, except Louie Anderson. Holy cow he is terrible. He can't deliver a line to save his life and feels so out of place next to everyone else. His character is also such a whiner. All the other guys are way cooler, including the bad guys! Richard Lewis might be on too much cocaine, but he still outshines Louie fuckin' Anderson.
I realized afterwards that this was written and directed by Danny Bilson, the man who gave us Trancers, and he's in top form here too.

The Grunski bros

The Duke

"No, you don't understand, I've got Duke in my face, man!"  - Tim

Of course there's a bunch of people out to ruin this beautiful camping trip, and that's when we realize there's a lot of silliness planned ahead. Two goofy brothers want to stir up trouble like they used to, but there's a bigger problem that everyone will have to deal with: Three escaped convicts, led by the grim Duke. The scene of him raging at the pancake house is one of my favourites.
The guys will meet other wacky characters out in the forest, but most importantly there is a squirrel that gets tangled up in the plot. I wish they had included more of the squirrel puppet, but what we do get feels special.

Squirrels, nature's hoarders

Everyone involved really seems to cut loose and have some fun with the movie, and I did too... Except Louie Anderson. Fuck Louie Anderson!

Be sure not to miss:
- The greatest surfing moment in film history. Tim Thomerson can do no wrong.
- Pancake face.

Internet review:
"If you are up for a barrage of nonsense then pick this slice of cinematic absurdity for your viewing pleasure." - timothy1146

Should I watch it?
Yes, just be sure to bring your ticket for the Louie Anderson hate train.

Where can I find it?
The filenuke and sharesix links here work well after some buffering.


The Wrong Guys gets...

Future Force (1989)

"You've committed a crime, been found guilty... You have the right to die." - John Tucker

John Tucker is the notoriously feared leader of the Civilian Operated Police System. But when corruption is exposed within the C.O.P.S. organization, Tucker will be forced to fight a lot of goons and protect a reporter lady.
Starring: David Carradine, Anna Rapagna, Robert Tessier

Link to IMDB

It's always good to start a future movie with a spooky narrator telling you serious shit to set the mood, and in this case we get some important info on the state of future affairs. Things are looking pretty bleak... And so is David Carradine!
He slurs his lines, walks awkward, and his lazy beer gut is on display. His disinterest in being in the movie is actually amusing, but it doesn't prevent him from cleaning up crime and dishing out justice. And thanks to his computer-nerd friend, Billy, Tucker has his own real goddamn Power Glove weapon, and it's totally bad-ass!



The C.O.P.S. should rename themselves G.O.P.S. because they're all a bunch of Goons, most of them looking like rejected members of a Dr. Hook & the Medicine Show tribute band. These oddballs fit into this collapsing future world well, because despite having Video Phones in their cars, people still use old cowboy six-shooters to kill each other in the streets. It's no wonder that no one stands a chance against the Power Glove, because it can do some really hilarious and mind-bending stuff when its remote control powers are finally activated.

United by their hate for goons

The most memorable character would have to be the villain's main hatchetman, played by Robert Tessier. He just seems to be having a really good time and enjoys the role, and he does it all without a mullet unlike everyone else in the movie.
Not much seems resolved at the end besides Tucker getting the job done, but I guess that's why they made a sequel!

No one is safe !

Handicap parking only !

Be sure not to miss:
- Fittingly, the bar's sign is misspelled, The Demiliterized Zone
- A convenient cliff in the middle of the city?
- The movie has a hard time deciding what C.O.P.S. stands for.

Internet review:
"That poodle mullet just struck me, and was featured rather prominently throughout the film."  - Matt

Should I watch it?
Fun enough to make it worthwhile, and I'll be checking the sequel.

Where can I find it?
It's on YouTube

Future Force gets... (an extra half ham just for the Power Glove)

Cyborg Cop (1993)

"This job was a lot more fun when we were the double-trouble psycho-cops."  - Phillip

Ex DEA agent Jack receives an emergency message from his brother Phillip, whose team was ambushed in the Caribbean. Jack heads out on a rescue mission, but discovers that cyborgs exist and are really hard to kill.
Starring: David Bradley, Alonna Shaw, and John Rhys-Davies

Link to IMDB

All these guns, what could go wrong ?

Let me get this out of the way first, this is not just a RoboCop rip off. This was directed by Sam Firstenberg who made some real gems we are familiar with, and he does not disappoint here with this classic. The first 15 minutes are pretty slow, but once stuff starts exploding and we meet the entire cast, you should strap yourself in for a wild ride.
Jack is a serious dude, and he's not afraid to get dirty and be a bad-ass to get the job done, even while wearing a fanny pack the entire time.



As to be expected, there's a lot of fighting. It has that sloppy but appealing 80's style of fisticuffs, which keeps the mood light and leaves room for some laughs. Soon enough we meet Cathy. Oh boy! Cathy is a vivacious reporter that gets caught up in Jack's mission, and they spend a lot of time trying to out-sass each other, which obviously turns up the heat! She doesn't do much for the plot, but I'm glad they included her character to contrast with Jack.

Getting borged

200% sassy

"You're pretty bad yourself... Bad with a banana!"  - Jack

The cyborg effects aren't the worst I've ever seen, but still pretty silly looking. They compensate for those by having the cyborg actually doing cool cyborg things, like getting into fights, smashing cars, and killing people in gory ways.
John Rhys-Davies plays a pretty funny bad guy, with an accent that seems to be all over the place. He's always in a really good mood, drinking tea, making jokes, and he treats his goons pretty nice. It's rather refreshing to see a villain who still knows how to appreciate the little things in life.

* making dirt bike noises *

Be sure not to miss:
- Liberal use of the chicken sound effects
- The guitar player at the bar. That dude is having the best day of his life!
- Ticking-clock bombs, straight out of a cartoon.

Internet review:
"My friends make fun of me because I like movies just like this one."  - Coon51

Should I watch it?
Perfect for when you want some fun action. I will be checking out the sequels too.

Where can I find it?
It's on YouTube

Cyborg Cop gets...

The Lords of Magick (1989)

"First you molest my girl, and then you sucker me into this idiotic quest of yours!"  - Tommy

A pair of wizard bros from 10th century England show up in modern-day California to save a princess, and in the process they mess with a lot of innocent lives.
Starring: It really doesn't matter, but the one guy looks like Bob Seger. John Clark has a cameo.

Link to IMDB

Shirtless and clueless

It all begins with a cartoon scroll explaining some back-story while surrounded by wisps of marijuana smoke. This is probably the most normal part of the whole movie.
After a glimpse of what the villain is up to, we finally meet the wizard bros as they go to the tavern to get drunk with prostitutes...? Wait, what? I guess even wizards needed to cut loose back then. One of the first things you'll notice is that despite the video quality being terrible, the special effects are actually pretty good.
If you think the beginning is strange, just wait until they finally head to the future. This is not your typical "old time person in the future" story at all.


It takes them less than ten minutes to assault a lady,
get arrested, start a gang fight, and become fugitives... But what's really crazy is that it's all their own fault! There are no humorous misunderstandings, these guys are straight-up wizard jerks!
Soon they meet Tommy, who is a modern wizard nerd, and he agrees to help them stop the evil villain and rescue the princess. Even with Tommy's modern experience it takes them forever to get anything done because they can't stop getting into fights, crashing cars, and learning just how difficult the library card registration process can be.

This spells trouble !

While all of this chaos is happening I kept forgetting what the main goal was, but it's an enjoyable type of absurdity that you just gotta roll with. And just when you think that the movie is running out of ideas, there's a big plot twist! I was actually surprised the writers followed through with it, and it makes for a great climactic battle at the end between good and evil.

"Would thee forgive a poor, drunken magician?"  - Ulric

I am pretty sure Ulirc is always drunk

Be sure not to miss:
- The villains hideout is a cardboard box factory... Or he's a very tidy hoarder.
- Sparkle swords!
- The final moment in the movie... Really!?

Internet review:
"If this came out in 1982 I woulda shit enough bricks to build a castle with a moat and a level twelve dungeon." - iGame3D

Should I watch it?
There are some painful parts, but it's so bizarre you can't miss this one.

Where can I find it?
The only version I could find was a YouTube playlist But it all flows together as one.

The Lords of Magick gets...