The Crawlers (1993)

"There are circumstances in which a man cannot drink enough."  - Dr. Taylor

aka: Creepers
aka: Contamination .7
aka: Troll 3
aka: Troll III: The Contamination Point 7
People from a small town are attacked by evil radioactive tree roots growing in the forest.
Starring: Mary Sellers, Jason Saucier, Bubba Reeves

Link to IMDB

First, let's get the obvious question out of the way. The only connection this has to the infamous Troll 2 is that the director here, Joe D'Amato, was a producer on that film, and that it also doesn't have any trolls (or even goblins) in it. This also means it has even less connection at all to the first Troll movie.

Can trees even digest plaid ?

We start by meeting some of the locals of a small country town. Josie is returning home after living in the big city, and her ex boyfriend is eagerly waiting for her. Old Jack runs the gas station alongside his faithful dog, Chester. Another key character is Dr. Taylor, a scientist from a nearby power plant that is concerned about toxic waste leaking out into the forest. This coincides with the fact that "something" seems to be lurking out in the bushes.
It doesn't take too long before people start getting killed every time they go into the forest, but the police aren't believing any of the nonsense that the teenagers are spouting.



It's obvious that the boss of the factory has been hiding toxic waste in the forest, but Dr. Taylor is the only one that's onto their schemes. We don't actually see the killer roots/vines on screen for awhile, but once they decide to do more than flop around in the underbrush things start getting violent. These roots have no problem busting straight into your house to kill you! The root effects actually look decent enough, despite mostly just flailing about wildly and wrapping around people's heads. The make-up and gore is a lot fun, and keeps you excited to see more old people getting murdered by branches.

We're getting to the root of the problem !

Old Jack's grandson comes to town too, and he's an investigator of some sort, so he's ready to listen to the teenagers and help find some answers. But it's going to take the entire town (which is really only about 15 people,) and Dr. Taylor's knowledge to find a solution to stop the rampaging roots from killing everyone.

It will be over soon, Old Jack

Be sure not to miss:
- The toy helicopter crash.
- It can't be safe to touch toxic waste barrels without some sort of protection. Let the 10 year old boy do it!
- Every movie needs a local, friendly prostitute.
- For even more confusion, D'Amato also directed The Hobgoblin, which is also know as Troll 3: The Quest for the Mighty Sword. There is a troll in that movie, but we already watched it last year. For even more confusion, that movie is also considered part 4 in the Ator series.

Internet review:
"order up a pizza, get the beer flowing and have fun with this one."  -Matt St.Cyr

Should I watch it?
It may not be an instant crowd favourite like Troll 2, but it's still an enjoyable mess worth seeing.

Where can I find it?
Lots of links here. Good old gorillavid.

The Crawlers gets...

Fighting Mad (1978)

"Where I came from, learning how to fight was learning how to live."  - Russell

aka: Death Force
After being left for dead, Vietnam Vet Doug Russell is rescued by two Japanese soldiers living on a remote island who teach him the ways of the samurai. Upon returning home, he seeks revenge on those who betrayed him.
Starring: James Iglehart, Leon Isaac Kennedy, Carmen Argenziano, Jayne Kennedy

Link to IMDB

Is that hat Army issue ?

We meet three soldiers as they are returning home from the Vietnam war: Russell, McGee and Morelli. They get the idea to smuggle out a crate of gold and sell it on the black market for some much needed money to take home with them. While Russell is eager to get back to his wife and child, McGee and Morelli plan to use their army skills in the world of organized crime. This means that Russell is just going to get in the way, so they decide to slit his throat and throw him off the boat on their way back to America.



Russell survives and washes up on a deserted island, where the only inhabitants are two old WWII Japanese soldiers that have yet to realize the war ended decades ago. Since they are all trapped there together, they nurse Russell back to full strength and become his friends. The Japanese soldiers have remained dedicated to the code of the samurai, and after some convincing they eventually agree to train their new friend.... And really, there is nothing else to do on the island besides suntan.

While life on the island continues, the two bad guys in America are becoming more dangerous and powerful each day, as they ruthlessly establish themselves as the new criminal lords in town. McGee is also harassing Russell's wife, Maria, who struggles with her singing career now that she's a widow. This makes us want to see Russell get back in the action even more!

"You like lasagna, you got lasagna."  - McGee

More like McSleaze

As an exploitation-revenge movie, it works great. Russell and his Japanese friends are fun characters to watch, and the villains are so sleazy that you just can't wait to see them get taken down. Although it does get a bit slow at times, and there's not as much violence as I thought there would be, it's still fully satisfying throughout. Our patience is rewarded with some good fight scenes when Russell finally jumps into action and starts taking down the criminal scum.




Be sure not to miss:
- I'm not sure if "mother humpers" is censored or if it was actually in the script. Either way, it's pretty funny.
- Was that Bob Ross getting killed at the poker game?
- Quentin Tarantino has cited this as a big influence, and it's easy to see why.

Internet review:
"The timeless fable of a muscular, super-irked black man decapitating dumbbell Mafiosi with a diamond edged katana blade."  - iommitheriffslayer

Should I watch it?
Despite being slow, it's a classic revenge movie.

Where can I find it?
The quality isn't that good, but it is on YouTube

Fighting Mad gets...

Surfing the Ham Channel #2

Tonight, Surfing the Ham Channel presents a very special installment...

Episode 5 of Police Squad!, 1982

Gunderson: "Who are you and how did you get in here?"

Lt. Frank Drebin: "I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith."

"Be sure to catch this evening of police intrigue, as Lt. Frank Drebin cleans up a neighbourhood terrorized by extortionists! The case will require your full attention, as we navigate a city rife with the dangers of puns, sight-gags, and satire. Set your worries aside, and let the talents of Leslie Nielsen guide you through the night.
Bullets will be fired, rocks will be thrown, and shoes will be shined! And it all happens In Color!"




Stay tuned for!
- Important lessons on rocks, and how to run a successful Locksmith business!
- The guest stars always die during the intro, never to be seen again.
- The titles never match the narration, so each episode really has two titles.
- There's only six episodes, so it makes for a fun marathon.

Jocks (1986)

"I said all along that you were degenerates, but I was wrong. You’re morons! As well as degenerates."
- Coach Beetlebom

The coach of a college tennis team needs to put together a winning team, or else lose his job.
Starring: Scott Strader, Perry Lang, Donald Gibb, with Christopher Lee

Link to IMDB

Tennis stuff

The president of the Los Angeles College wants to get some championship sport trophies for his school, and he tasks the failing Coach Director Beetlebom with finding a team to make sure this happens. Out of all the sport teams they have, the men's tennis shows the most promise of actually winning anything, despite the team consisting of party-animals and rowdy troublemakers.
The team is led by Coach Williams, who seems like a decent guy, but he knows he's going to have problems keeping his boys sober and awake as they head to Las Vegas to battle the Texas team in a tournament.

The team consists of the cool Kid (who has a truly awesome introduction,) the nerdy Jeff, a stud named Tex, and a few minority stereotypes. But most importantly, the intense behemoth that is the MVP of the entire movie, Ripper! Played by the always memorable Donald Gibb, he's the main source of all the laughs and enjoyment that this movie has.
Coach Williams has issued strict orders for them to stay out of trouble, but of course these boys can't be reined in, and they head out to party the night away in Las Vegas! Except that this somehow becomes very boring, and I found myself eager to see some tennis instead, as it at least gave the illusion that there was a plot to follow. Luckily, these guys are just as wild on the court as they are when partying.

Ripper !

After cleaning up on the court for the day, the guys decide they need another night out on the town. It's a bit more interesting this time, as the Texans attempt some sabotage, and everyone knows that the tournament hangs in the balance early tomorrow morning. There's a love interest for the Kid thrown in somewhere, but it doesn't really mean anything or have any impact on the plot. Once again, I was saying to myself, "Can we please get back to the tennis!?" But half way through the final tennis matches I was thinking more along the lines of, "I've had enough of this tennis crap."

There are many other 80's sport comedies out there that are better than Jocks. There's nothing new here, and most of the jokes fall flat or are just insulting. I didn't truly get bored until near the end, but the main reason I wanted to keep watching was just to see what Ripper would do next.


Be sure not to miss:
- Detective Olivia Benson!
- Kid's awesome Huey Lewis & The News sweatshirt.
- Frankie Avalon was on the Frontier marquee.
- I didn't even know Christopher Lee was in this movie, so it was random that I watched it the day he died. He doesn't get much to do here, but you can tell he's having some fun.

Internet review:
"Buncha guys doin’ buncha stuff for little to no reason."  - justin

Should I watch it?
I think it's worth it just to see Ripper in all his glory, but few would agree with me.

Where can I find it?
It lives on YouTube

Jocks gets...

Arcade (1993)

"Kiss reality goodbye."  - Arcade

A virtual reality game begins taking over the minds of teenagers... Just like real life!
Starring: Megan Ward, Peter Billingsley, Seth Green, and John de Lancie

Link to IMDB

Alex is a troubled teen, having nightmares about her mother's suicide and anxiety about life in general, and it doesn't help that her dad is also struggling to cope with his own depression. Whoa, where's the fun video games!? I admit that I was not expecting such mature themes here, and they mostly remain a part of the story to varying degrees of success.
Luckily, Alex has a close group of friends at high school that make her laugh, and they assure her that she's going to be okay. Along with her boyfriend Greg, they all plan on heading to the local arcade after school to check out some demos of the new video game technology being advertised.

Screamer.exe

Once at the arcade they find John de Lancie promoting the latest interactive virtual reality game that will "blow a hole in their underwear," utilizing cyber gloves and space goggles, this epic new machine is simply called Arcade. After some VR exposition about how Arcade works, and that "The Screamer" monster needs to be avoided, Greg decides to test his skills in the game. While he straps himself in, John de Lancie calls all the kids into the other room where they can each receive a free demo copy of Arcade to play with at home. Meanwhile, no one is watching as Greg is intensely struggling with his Arcade experience and he vanishes in a puff of smoke!!
When Alex gets home that night, she realizes that Arcade can speak to her through the home console VR system, and he's also a pretty damn creepy guy... or program... or VR wizard, whatever.



After Alex consults Nick, who is a bit of a computer expert, they realize that Arcade is systematically ruining the minds of all their friends and making them disappear.
They decide to find John de Lancie and confront him with this bizarre situation. He sends them to meet the actual scientist that created Arcade, who reveals the dark secrets behind the machine. Alex and Nick decide they have to "plug in" and tackle this VR jerk on his own turf.

"You're pretty smart for a fucked up paranoid teenager."  - Nick

All the silly VR stuff aside, the actors and story are actually serious enough to keep the movie worthwhile. It feels a lot like a Nickelodeon movie, but with a darker tone and lots of swearing. I was dreading the inevitable VR battle that would serve as the climax, but luckily it's very amusing, and there's a bit more going on inside Arcade than you would initially think. There's also an epilogue here that likely gave some kids nightmares.

Shit's getting real... Virtually.

The virtual reality effects look pretty damn bad, which of course makes them a lot of fun.
Apparently, the version I watched used the original outdated CGI that was mostly improved before the movie was released worldwide. The older version only released on VHS in Argentina, so it's a bit of a rarity to find, but has been beautifully archived on YouTube.

Be sure not to miss:
- Written by David Goyer. He is responsible for movies much worse than Arcade, but also wrote something called The Dark Knight trilogy.
- That was Don Stark as the owner of the local arcade.
- "I love the beach. For no particular reason at all. I love the beach. But then again... Ha ha!"
- Some nice trailers at the start, including the beloved Knights

Internet review:
"Kiss your overblown Hollywood expectations goodbye!" - Cardcaptor_Jim

Should I watch it?
Somehow, the movie is actually better than it should be, so I recommend it.

Where can I find it?
It's on YouTube

Arcade gets...

Space Truckers (1996)

"Where's my beer and when do I get paid?" -  John

John Canyon is one of the last independent space truckers hauling cargo around the solar system, but his latest shipment ends up being something that space pirates and space politicians both want to get their evil hands on.
Starring: Dennis Hopper, Stephen Dorff, Debi Mazar, Charles Dance

Link to IMDB

When a movie is called Space Truckers and stars Dennis Hopper, you know it's a movie that you just have to see! My initial concern was that Hopper would not actually be the main character, and instead the younger Stephen Dorff would get to do all the heroic stuff. But, no! Hopper takes center stage, and carries the whole movie through as the gruff anti-hero, John Canyon.

Space aces !

The movie opens with a quick introduction of evil scientists and politicians developing killer robots, and it's safe to assume that they'll be causing problems later, but within minutes we're elsewhere in the solar system meeting John as he eats a hotdog in the zero gravity of his spaceship. John's delivering his latest shipment of square pigs to a space station, but he's a bit late, so the boss (played by George Wendt) is not impressed and ends up stealing John's cargo so that a younger trucker, Mike, can finish the job instead. This all culminates in a brawl at the local diner, where John and Mike realize they have to work together to survive. They agree to take a mysterious shipment to Earth, which allows them to escape from the station before the law can intervene. Love interest, Cindy, comes along as John has promised to get her home to Earth.

Space villain !

When their ship gets damaged in an asteroid field, they are "saved" by space pirates, but it doesn't take long for the pirates to realize what the special cargo actually is. The killer robots from the opening scene, of course!

Charles Dance is terrific as the twisted villain. It's a real treat to see him fully embrace playing such a creepy guy, and he gets some hilarious material to work with. Being a fan of him in Game of Thrones makes his performance here even more enjoyable, because he really gets to have fun with the character and steals the show.

All of the special effects look great too, despite not having the biggest budget behind them. They really showcase some good makeup, miniatures, costumes, and even creative camera tricks to give the illusion of zero gravity. There's a few places where cheap CGI is used (it is 1996 after all,) but it only adds to the cheesy mood that the movie was aiming for.

"If I had an anus, I'd probably soil myself."  - Macanudo

It's all good fun until the last 20 minutes. One big firefight with the pirates was more than enough, but then they also have to deal with all the robots which begins to get tiring. I just wanted them to hurry up and get to Earth because everyone had stopped being interesting. And then the forgettable politician still had to wrap up his plot line! It's a weak ending to an otherwise very enjoyable movie.


Be sure not to miss:
- Why did they introduce the mom at very the last minute? What?
- There's a few good cameos to see, like Mike Hagerty and Vernon Wells
- The same director as the classics, Re-Animator and From Beyond
- Square pigs!








Internet review:
"Cliche filled and cheesy, sure, but this is FIRST CLASS CHEESE here."  - Jakealley

Should I watch it?
Recommended. And where else will you ever see square pigs!?

Where can I find it?
Primewire has some good links, and I think it's on Netflix

Space Truckers gets...

A Talking Pony !?! (2013)

"Sorry, but you're saddled with me."  - Horatio

aka: A Pony's Tale
Juliet and her family struggle financially to keep their ranch, but Juliet thinks she has a secret that could keep the ranch open, her goddamn talking horse!

Starring: Kristine DeBell, Jenny Cipolla, Jason Faunt, and the voice of Johnny Whitaker

Link to IMDB

Horatio struts his stuff.

Juliet and her stepmother are dealing with the fact that they are going to have to sell their country ranch and move to the big city. But after getting hit on the head by a "lucky" horseshoe, Juliet is able to hear her friendly horse Horatio talk, and she gets the idea he could bring in the money needed to save the ranch. When a serious business man and his son show up, trying to convince them to sell the ranch property and turn it into a shopping mall, everyone has to do some serious soul searching. Selling the ranch would save the family from bankruptcy, but at the cost of their country lifestyle.
Will the ranch go under? Will anyone except Juliet hear the magic wisdom of Horatio? Will any of these lonely idiots ever find love? Do I want to die now? These are just some of the questions you will be faced to ask yourself during this movie.

This is the most recent movie in the five part Talking!?! series, and I can easily say it's also my least favourite of them so far. Although all of these movies are bottom-of-the-barrel family movies that even kids would find terrible, most of them at least have a charming quality that let you laugh at the sheer absurdity of what's going on. Unfortunately, Pony has very little of that original charm, and instead relies too much on cringe worthy slapstick (mostly in the form of two very pointless stepbrothers) and way too many slow, sweeping shots of nature. Seriously. I bet there's about 30 minutes of just staring at trees, creeks and mountains. That has always been a staple of the series to pad the running time, but it is taken to an extreme here that is just absurd.

"Don't worry about the brain damage, it will pass." - Wesley

Love will find a way, or whatever.

Almost all of the things that defined the other movies as a "series" are not present here, except for a sassy animal and Kristine DeBell does return as another mom character. Most noticeably missing is the porno mansion with wacky furniture, which has been the main set piece for every other movie. Horatio doesn't even do much in the movie beside tell jokes, and there's no attempt at a CGI mouth for him unlike the cat had, so when he finally does start talking it's pretty dull.
There is an attempt at a bit of a star-crossed lovers theme through the story, but it's barely dealt with in any meaningful way. Like everything else in the movie, it's constantly being interrupted by stock footage of nature or someone throwing in horse puns.

Be sure not to miss:
- The voice of Horatio is Johnny Whitaker, the dad from A Talking Cat!?!
- What was in that cup of tea!? One sip and his life is changed forever.
- The exact same shots of "A white car driving down a road" that has been in the other movies!
- There's still one more in the series to watch, An Easter Bunny Puppy.

Internet review:
"all farting and crashing." - SampanMassacre

Should I watch it?
Only if you really need to watch the entire series. But I just recommend watching A Talking Cat!?! again instead. Or just watch the trailer.

Where can I find it?
Unless you strike gold and find it on DVD, it's only available on American Netflix, under the name A Pony's Tale.

A Talking Pony!?! gets...

Skull Forest (2012)

Four female friends go camping into the woods, but things go horribly wrong they are found by a group of people who enjoy hunting humans for sport.
Or... How I learned to stop worrying and love Len Kabasinski.
Starring: Lisa Neeld, Sara Brooks, Pamela Sutch, Melissa Scott

Link to IMDB

Kabasinski, camera warrior.

How do I explain a Len Kabasinski movie?
Kabasinski has become a true master at making some of the worst modern B-movies you'll ever want to see. This brings the promise of two things; his movies are very clumsily put together with no budget, and also made with a real passion to fit the genre and expectations of what bad movies should be all about... If this happened on purpose or not is debatable.
It doesn't take long to instantly recognize the main problem with Skull Forest. The camera work is just terrible. When the camera isn't busy shaking all over the place, almost every single shot is a dutch angle taken to a level of absurdity. I can handle the low quality and do-it-yourself aspects of any movie, but the camera shouldn't be used as an enemy against the audience's ability to see what is happening! At first it seems almost unwatchable, but once you get used to the style you will realize that there might actually be a method to the madness, and you just have to roll with it. More on that important factor later...


Alright, let's talk about the story. Four women go camping to relax, but soon find themselves in the middle of a murderous game of "hunt or be hunted." Be thankful I explained that to you, because the movie barely does, instead relying on the fact that you probably read the synopsis on the back of the DVD first. The plot is nothing new, but there are some unexpected twists and plenty of moments when you'll suddenly realize you're much more invested into the movie than you ever could have imagined.

It's beer o' clock, ladies !

If you can make it past the first 30 minutes (and thankfully the running time is a quick 73 minutes,) something special happens. Your mind has stopped trying to understand the unorthodox camera work, and you become convinced that it's actually there to serve a purpose. The story and characters have goals now, and you might even care about them! You'll even see glimpses of Kabasinski's talent begin to appear as he makes some bold storytelling choices and gets creative with the violence. And most importantly, you will find yourself actually having fun!

Boom !  Boom !

At no point did I want to stop this movie. Once I accepted it for what it is, I knew I was officially going to make it out of Skull Forest alive!

Be sure not to miss:
- The tough blonde man with the long pony tail is Len Kabasinski himself. (also pictured above)
- There are some moments when the camera settles down and actually frames a shot. And it's almost always when Kabasinski is busy acting in front of the camera. Go figure!
- The bird sound effects on an endless five second loop.

Internet review:
"Anytime you watch a Len Kabasinski movie you are struggling with every fiber of your brain to understand what is happening." - Jack@rlm

Should I watch it?
This is regarded as one of Kabasinski's better movies, although the "experimental" camera work is a big problem for everyone. But like I said, once you let the movie sink in, there is something here worth seeing for fans of the truly bad.

Where can I find it?
Primewire has a bunch of links. Reliable old gorillavid worked great.

Skull Forest gets...

Watchers (1988)

"There's a pack of hot dogs in the refrigerator, if you go get them you can have one." - Travis

Travis takes in a stray dog, which turns out being an ultra-intelligent runaway from a genetic research lab. But the dog is being stalked by deadly jerks and an even deadlier monster.
Starring: Corey Haim, Michael Ironside, Barbara Williams

Link to IMDB

Travis (left) and Fur Face.

The movie starts with an impressive explosion effectively destroying a government research lab, but we see two survivors emerge and quickly know that some sci-fi business is going on here. One is a super intelligent dog and the other is some sort of enraged monster known as OXCOM. The dog soon befriends Travis, in hopes of hiding from the government agents and the monster that are both trying to find him. The dog (eventually named Fur Face,) is cool enough and Haim is passable, but it's Michael Ironside that steals the show, playing the duplicitous Agent Lem. He will stop at nothing to get his experimental dog back, and when Travis and Fur Face discover he can't be trusted they have to go on the run to find some answers.

"That's the last time Corey makes
me watch Dream a Little Dream 2."

Most of the movie involves escaping the government agents, so the premise of a boy and his dog on the run overshadows most of the sci-fi elements. There's not really any slow moments though, and by the halfway point the stakes have been raised so high that the movie flies by quickly. There's an odd mix of family bonding in humorous scenes alongside violent scenes of murder as the monster runs around town, which really keeps you guessing what the hell is going to happen next. The gore looks cheap, but it's a lot more violent than I had expected before realizing the movie is actually rated R.

I did have to question the intelligence of the dog, if out of all the people in town he chooses Corey Haim as his friend. But then again, I've willingly sat through almost every Corey Haim movie, so what do I know? To be fair though, Haim isn't too bad here. This was before his drug-fueled straight-to-video era, and he does a decent job being a likeable teenager in the middle of a crazy situation, much like his work in Silver Bullet.




The story is based on a popular Dean Koontz novel, but apparently the movie gets a lot of criticism for not being faithful to the source material. I had no frame of reference about the book, so was left feeling satisfied enough with how it all plays out. I felt the final climax was actually a decent pay off, and I might even check out the sequel which is supposed to be even worse. Yes!

On the internet, no one knows you're a dog.

Be sure not to miss:
- Fur Face is such a dumb name.
- Aren't dogs not supposed to eat chocolate?
- The veterinarian is Don Davis, he was Scully's dad on The X-Files.

Internet review:
"The film is worth it for the sight of Haim getting stabbed in the leg and screaming like Demi Moore." - WaltC

Should I watch it?
A decent story, and you get a cool dog outsmarting Corey Haim.

Where can I find it?
On YouTube

Watchers gets...

Ghoulies II (1988)

"I am a magician, you sons of bitches. You can't kill me!"  - Uncle Ned

The ghoulies are back to cause more trouble, and this time they find their way to a carnival.
Starring: Damon Martin, Phil Fondacaro, Royal Dano

Link to IMDB

The ghouls... Bad and ugly.

After previously watching the first Ghoulies and getting some laughs with it, I decided to check out the sequel, and I found a real cheesy gem of the 80's horror-comedy genre.

We meet the ghoul gang right away this time as they escape from some priest that is trying to kill them. Was he in the first movie? Well, it doesn't matter because he dies right away! Then the ghoulies find Larry and Uncle Ned, who run the nearby spook house exhibit, Satan's Den. The ghoulies sneak aboard their truck and head to the carnival to find adventure.
Surprisingly, there are actually some decent characters here to carry the story. Sir Nigel is a struggling actor that can't get a break, and drunk Uncle Ned is the source of all sorts of laughs. Even the teenagers are likeable enough. But soon we learn the carnival itself has some problems, as the yuppie boss threatens to close the whole show down unless they start making some profit.

Ned and Larry, real talk.

Unlike the first movie, which focused on the occult magic of a haunted mansion, the sequel shows the ghoulies mingling with the public as they harass (and occasionally kill) people that wander into Satan's Den. The ghoulies are mistaken by the locals as a new addition to the carnival, and they draw a big crowd eager to see the "rats" mess around. But Larry, Ned and Nigel know what these little killers are up to, though when they try to shut them down it only awakens the wrath of the ghoulies and all hell soon breaks loose!

"This place is better than Epcot center!" -  Excited kid

The creature effects have definitely improved from the first movie, which allows the ghoulies to do a lot more in front of the camera. As to be expected, there's lots of slime and funny deaths happening, but a fault of the movie is the gimmick used to make the climax as big as possible. It just doesn't work, and we are left with people running around screaming for 10 minutes as the heroes figure out what to do. I was laughing at what I was seeing, but this type of slapstick can easily overstay its welcome, so the final battle of Man vs. Ghouls dragged on for a bit too long.


Be sure not to miss:
- That sweet ninja star action.
- Uncle Ned dresses like Mr. Dressup, and he even has a tickle trunk!
- Best high-five ever! Seriously.

Internet review:
"In this movie the ghoulies are the heart and soul of the entire picture!"  - Boba_Fett1138

Should I watch it?
It's better than you might expect, and pretty damn funny. I prefer it over the first one.

Where can I find it?
This video worked great. Easy to find elsewhere, but no YouTube.

Ghoulies II gets...

Monster Dog (1984)

"You're making records, videos, movies, on high-tech electronic equipment of fantastic sophistication. And you're scared of werewolves!"  - Sandra

Vincent Raven is a rock star returning to his hometown to film a music video, but the locals warn him that someone let the dogs out.
Starring: Alice Cooper, Victoria Vera, and an overworked fog machine

Link to IMDB

Why am I here ?

Monster Dog was directed by Claudio Fragasso, who is also responsible for the infamous Troll 2. This should give you an idea on the quality of this one, although it's nowhere near as silly or memorable. The story deals with a legend of local werewolves, and is played very straight and stays firmly in the horror style as they attempt to emulate the works of Argento, Fulci and Bava. But Fragasso mostly fails at capturing their style. With Alice Cooper starring, I was hoping for a cheesy movie where he could really throw his charisma around and have fun being a rock star fighting off monsters, but instead everything is delivered dead serious and he spends most of the time just moping around in the fog.


As the movie crawls along, slowly revealing some back-story on the past of Vincent's troubled family, there's actually a bit of suspense and a few gory moments to keep the danger feeling real. We do get a few glimpses of some sort of monster, but I spent half the time just trying to figure out if I was watching a dream sequence, a music video, or the actual plot itself. What adds to this confusion is the liberal use of a fog machine, doing its best to keep the movie in a constant state of spooky surrealism. There's also some very poor voice dubbing, which doesn't bother me in general, except that Cooper didn't even dub his own dialog. When you're familiar with someone's voice it's very distracting to hear some other guy saying all the lines.

We'll be safe here, miles away from the plot.

"You look like a couple of queers to me! Queers make...... MY STOMACH TURN!"  - Redneck

Fog dogs

Some local cowboy jerks eventually come looking for trouble, as they believe the legends and rumours that Vincent's family is cursed. This finally gives the characters something to do, but it takes a long time before any actual monsters, dogs or "monster dogs" join in the action. The movie does have a decently mysterious story and even some unintentional humour, especially in the second half, but the memorable moments are far apart. Meanwhile, I was resigned to mostly sit in the dark watching the fog roll by.




Be sure not to miss:
- There's two Alice Cooper songs, so at least we get to see him have some fun with those.
- Stop saying "crisises." It's not a word!!
- In the dream sequence, her shirt says "Dream" on it. Thanks, wardrobe!
- Fog, fog and more fog.
- Well, I might as well include the music video for Identity Crisises  (spoiler free)

Internet review:
"why it turns into a spaghetti Western halfway through is anybody's guess." - SeanG

Should I watch it?
There's definitely something here, but it would be better with a few beers and someone to laugh along with.

Where can I find it?
This video works.
Apparently there's also a decent transfer version on Netflix.

Monster Dog gets...