Cemetery Man (1994)

"The living dead and the dying living are all the same." - Francesco

aka: Dellamorte Dellamore
A man deals with zombies, love and other existential problems at his cemetery.
Starring: Rupert Everett, Anna Falchi, Francois Hadji-Lazaro

Link to IMDB

Francesco Dellamorte works as a cemetery caretaker, doing the usual interment duties by day, but by night he's busy killing the corpses that rise from their graves. That's right! For some reason the dead keep coming back as zombies (called "returners" here,) and Francesco has to get them back in their graves again before morning. Only he and his dim assistant, Gnaghi, know of this problem because informing the boss would mean filling out lots of paperwork, and Francesco just sees the undead as part of the job.

Francesco and Gnaghi

A beautiful young widow has been visiting the graveyard lately, and Francesco begins to fall in love with her. The young lady is know only as She, and soon Francesco and her become lovers. Unfortunately, She is bitten by a zombie and Francesco is filled with despondency as he is forced to kill her.
A recent bus crash has taken the lives of a dozen local teens, including the girl that Gnaghi had a crush on, and soon the two caretakers have more zombie problems to deal with as the dead kids return to terrorize the cemetery. When Gnaghi's crush awakens, he takes her disembodied head back to his room. Just because she's a zombie-head doesn't mean they can't be in a relationship!
The young widow returns and despite still being in love with her, Francesco must kill her again. All this torment begins to loosen his grip on reality, and even the Grim Reaper shows up with some interesting advice on how he can deal with the undead problem.

"If you don't want the dead coming back to life, why don't you just kill the living?" - Grim Reaper

She returns

At first all the fun zombie killing will have you thinking it's going to be similar to Dead Alive, but that's only a scratch on the surface. As the movie unfolds it gets much weirder, extraordinarily surreal and filled with a romantic atmosphere. The love story between Francesco and She continues in a phantasmagorical way, (and no it's not necrophilia, that silliness is saved for Gnaghi and his new bride.) The last 30 minutes of the movie explores Francesco's personal hell, as he tries to make sense of his life and looking for a way to escape the madness, all while haunted by his obsession of the mysterious She.

It definitely warrants repeat viewings (which I did) to uncover all the clues, because my first viewing was focused more on the comedy and gore, making me miss some sub-textual elements that hold the chaos together. Nearly abstract at times, this movie is completely original in its take on the themes of tragic love, death, and redemption; especially since much of it is played as a horror-comedy. But it can still be appreciated on the humorous merits alone. Carefully and fantastically crafted, the costumes, effects and cinematography all look great, creating a world where the monstrous and philosophical fit together like long-lost lovers.

Be sure not to miss:
- I like that one of the punk zombies returns with his motorcycle. Or maybe he was buried with it?
- Francesco scratches out the names of the recently deceased from his phone book.
- Just how smart Gnaghi really is.
- The enigmatic ending. It will surely have you thinking about the movie for days to come.

Internet review:
"I heartily recommend this movie to anyone willing to try out a zombie flick with
a brain (pun intended)." - The_Dead_See

Should I watch it?
Despite being a dark comedy, you need to be in the mood for a slower movie, but it's highly recommended.

Where can I find it?
Here on YouTube.

Cemetery Man gets...

Without Warning (1980)

"Aliens ain't human, you know." - Sarge

An alien creature has begun hunting humans in the countryside.
Starring: Jack Palance, Tarah Nutter, Martin Landau, Christoper S. Nelson

Link to IMDB

Greg and Sandy

Two men are hunting in the woods, but it's not long before a few little flying creatures attack them. They look like sloppy jellyfish-omelettes with teeth, but they are deadly as they attach themselves to the men and kill them! Elsewhere in the forest, a group of four teens are traveling to a lake for some swimming, but when they stop at a gas station they meet old Joe (Palance) who warns them to stay away from the lake. Of course, they go to the lake anyways. A nearby boy scout troop is out exploring and they get attacked by the flying critters, too! These things are vicious little beasts, with each scene building suspense but also providing laughs at their silly appearance. Two of the teens are Greg and Sandy, separated from their friends they search the area for them. What they find is an old shed stuffed with the bodies of the dead hunters, scout leader, and their friends! Terrified, they hide from the flying creatures in their van, deciding that they need to find help.

As darkness falls they arrive at a tavern where the locals gather. None of them believe Greg's story at first, except one man named Sarge (Landau.) He's a war veteran with a few loose screws, but he also knows about the creatures that attacked Greg and Sandy. Joe arrives and believes the story too, but soon the bar loses electricity. The tension rises as Sarge rants about aliens invading, his paranoia spreading to the bar patrons as they huddle in the darkness. Joe seems fearless, and the teens agree to show him where the shed is because he wants answers.

Sarge

Joe

"A hunter always comes back for his prey." - Joe

Joe starts tracking the creatures to find who or what controls them, while Greg and Sandy find an old house to hide in. Sarge is descending into madness, convinced that anyone could be an alien and he must go to war! The actual alien that was hinted at a few times is finally revealed, and it won't stop until everyone is dead. Will Sarge's madness ruin their chances of survival, or will Joe's battle plans be successful as he confronts the alien?!

Killer omelettes are no joke.

Without Warning is well made and the fine actors make it compelling, and despite the gloomy atmosphere there's often a hint of cheesiness to add some laughs. The tension is great, and instead of someone just dying every five minutes there's a focus on how people handle their fear of the unknown. The pace can get slow at times, but it stays on track and kept me glued to my seat. And hey, it never gets old watching the jellyfish-omelettes zip around.

Be sure not to miss:
- Was the hunter actually going to shoot his son for being a wimp? What the hell?
- Yes, that's David Caruso. And there's Cameron Mitchell at the start, he was in a lot of B-movies at the end of his career, usually angry and yelling.
- Schwarzenegger has cited this as inspiring Predator, and the same actor plays the alien in both, Kevin Peter Hall.
- Rats enough!

Internet review:
"This movie RULEZ." - Squonkamatic

Should I watch it?
Highly recommended.

Where can I find it?
Here on Dailymotion.

Without Warning gets...

Ogroff (1983)

aka: Mad Mutilator
aka: The Axe Monster
An axe wielding maniac wanders around in the forest.
Starring: I don't know... French people.

Link to IMDB

Sit down and hear the tale of how I met Ogroff, the most miserable gonzo axe murderer in cinema!

A family stops for a bathroom break as they drive through the country side, but a masked man with an axe appears and kills the dad and son! The mother runs off and the lunatic chases after her... Well, sort of. It's an incredibly awkward chase, almost as though he's too dumb to really understand how to chase someone.
This is Ogroff. He lives alone in the forest, killing people as they wander near his cabin. It's a bloody mess as he chops up his latest victims on the lawn, but it's also very low budget and fake looking. This doesn't hinder the creepy vibes though, because when a horror film is this low quality it can create an ominous feel of almost being real life "found footage."
Some campers come along next to meet their doom, and a girl (hereby known as Blue Shirt) is seen wandering around alone. There's not a real plot, it's basically just a day-in-the-life of Ogroff as he farts around the yard and kills anyone that comes into the forest. Oh yeah, he also likes masturbating with his axe collection. Sure, why not!?

Damn, the middle of the movie drags. Blue Shirt is still wandering around but eventually Ogroff kidnaps her. She's scared at first, but then all of a sudden they become friends. What the hell is going on? She doesn't try to escape, and seems totally fine with the masked weirdo. Blue Shirt decides to see what's locked in his cellar, but this releases the zombies that Ogroff had trapped in there! What? There's zombies in this movie now!? The last 30 minutes gets fun again, as Ogroff goes on a zombie killing rampage and even rides around on a motorcycle when dozens of zombies start attacking. Blue Shirt finally decides to attempt an escape because not even she could handle one more minute of Ogroff.
But the ending still has one more bonkers card up its sleeve!

A wild zombie appears !

Blue Shirt

The movie's in French but there's seriously only four lines of dialog, so it doesn't matter. Heck, there's barely even any sound here. Most of the time we just hear a synth droning and groaning and even the foley sounds are confusing. The style is almost like a demented avant-garde film, with its unorthodox editing, jumbled sound and no script to follow. But it's more likely that the chaos just accidentely appears as something like art.

Proof that something happens.

Most people will find this un-watchable, but the main problem for me was just that the middle section dragged on way too long. The movie would greatly benefit by being 20 minutes shorter, but it's always a thrill to find movies like this that are so bizarre and so poorly made that you just have to sit back and appreciatively wonder at its existence.







Be sure not to miss:
- Ogroff really hates chess! (and cars, and music.)
- Was the payphone haunted by a demon? What the hell is going on!? Is this 976-EVIL ?

Internet review:
"Be carried to a land where there is no right and wrong…there is only…Ogroff." - Bezecny

Should I watch it?
I still have to recommend checking out this oddity, just be prepared for the absurd.

Where can I find it?
On YouTube

Ogroff gets...

976-EVIL (1988)

"Push 666 for your horror-scope." - Telephone

A guy gets demonic powers when he makes too many phone calls to an evil hot-line.
Starring: Stephen Geoffreys, Patrick O'Bryan, Sandy Dennis, Lezlie Deane

Link to IMDB

Spike and Suzie

We are introduced to Spike and Hoax, two cousins in high school that are complete opposites. Spike is a tough rebel, always gambling and riding his motorcycle around, while Hoax is a nerdy wimp that constantly gets bullied by everyone including his religious mother. Spike tries his best to protect Hoax from getting beat up, but he's an easy target. After losing big at poker one night, Spike decides to call a horoscope hot-line, 976- EVIL, and a spooky voice suggests that he should steal money from his aunt. When he's caught in the act, fish fall from the sky! His aunt exclaims that it's a sign from God that Spike has evil in him.
We see some other people in the city have also been calling the number, but they are killed by a supernatural force if they don't follow the phone's advice, so it looks like Spike has got himself into some real danger. Even though things are pretty spooky, it's delivered in such a way that we know wacky times are on the horizon.

Hoax

Spike's getting tired of the "horror-scopes" he keeps receiving, and narrowly escapes death when he resists the evil things they ask him to do. Hoax starts calling instead and the voice suggests that he spend some time with Spike's girlfriend, Suzie. They go for pizza and have a great time, but things go bad when the bullies show up and start beating on Hoax. Feeling spurned by Suzie, he calls the hot-line for comfort, which leads to him performing a satanic ritual in his bedroom. He just wants to scare Suzie, but it turns out that he can't control the power he's unleashed! When Hoax tells Spike about the prank gone awry their friendship is ripped apart, and something inside Hoax snaps, revealing the dark and angry emotions he's kept hidden. It's not long before Hoax starts changing and becoming possessed by evil. Things start getting real crazy when he decides to kill the bullies! The gore is fun and cheesy, as Hoax starts transforming into a sassy demon. Stephen Geoffreys performance through-out is a real treat!

"People are just interested in ewoks, ET, football, and phone sex." -  Mark Dark

As Hoax becomes more powerful and insane, Spike is forced to confront him before he kills more people, but can he reach Hoax's humanity before it's too late!? The climactic battle looks fantastic, and must have cost a small fortune as the same powers transforming Hoax have taken control of his entire house, literally bringing hell into his home!
It starts slow, but overall is a good dark comedy in the classic 80's manner. There's even some surreal flair to it, which feels original. How or why the phone number is evil may not be explained, but who cares? It's supposed to be absurd, and there's a sequel that might reveal more answers!

Be sure not to miss:
- Dante's Cafe, El Diablo theater, etc. Apparently the city itself is going for the hell theme.
- Small roles by Darren E. Burrows and Robert Picardo
- Drunk Santa!
- One of the few movies directed by Robert Englund

Internet review:
"Stephen Geoffreys is the type of actor that Bob Saget and Eminem wish they could be!" - CharlesCrumb

Should I watch it?
Yeah, it's good 80's weirdo times.

Where can I find it?
I used the stagevu link here.

976-EVIL gets...

The Incubus (1982)

"I hate small towns." - Laura

A small town doctor tries to solve the mystery of who, or what, is going on a killing spree.
Starring: John Cassavetes, Kerrie Keane, John Ireland, Erin Noble

Link to IMDB

In the country town of Galen two teenagers are brutally attacked and raped, leaving one dead and the other traumatized in the hospital. Sam Cordell is the town doctor and coroner, so he's tasked with investigating what happened. Tim is also introduced, he's a strange boy troubled by nightmares, but is a good friend of Sam's daughter, Jenny. When another lady is violently killed the sheriff suspects a gang is responsible but Sam is finding evidence that points to something much stranger, because the killer is leaving behind massive amounts of unusual semen. Gross!

A local reporter, Laura, also gets involved in the case, telling Sam that similar killings happened 30 years ago in Galen. Tim's nightmares are getting worse and he thinks that he might be killing people in his sleep, but his grandmother assures him that he's normal, although she clearly has some secrets that she's not sharing. More people are getting killed and we eventually get a glimpse that a monster seems to be responsible for the attacks, except things are not as simple as that.


Tim is going full bonkers now, terrified that every time he sleeps someone gets murdered, and he's convinced that his visions are dangerous. Sam doesn't believe that Tim is the killer, but he does think the dreams are connected somehow. In hopes of saving her grandson, Tim's grandmother is forced to reveal her family secrets, which are connected to the the dark history of the town itself.

Go team Galen !

The movie is delivered very serious, dealing with dark subject matter and themes, and it's effective enough to build some good tension and an atmosphere of dread. It's slow but well made, and the actors all do a great job. That is until near the end, where everything kinda falls apart. I noticed that there were a few plot elements introduced that never got used, making it feel cluttered with random thoughts, and the climax is cumbersome despite an interesting twist.

Tim

It's a good mix of the horror style from the 70's and the slasher genre of the 80's, but fails at being a classic when not enough of the pieces make clear sense.

(A lot of 3.5 hams lately. That's just how the random theater rolls sometimes.)





Be sure not to miss:
- The rock band at the theater is Samson. Featuring Bruce Dickinson!
- The hints of incest seemed odd at first. Upon reflection, it adds to the overall themes of perversion and gives the final scene even more gravity.

Internet review:
"As a fan of monster flicks, I have but one question. Where's the monster?" - drgore

Should I watch it?
It's good but very dark, so don't expect it to cheer you up.

Where can I find it?
On YouTube

The Incubus gets...

The Brain (1988)

"I didn't know there were so many crazy people in Meadowvale." - Jim

A monstrous brain is using a television show to brainwash a community.
Starring: Tom Bresnahan, Cynthia Preston, David Gale, George Buza

Link to IMDB

With Halloween coming up, it's going to get spooky around here... Or at least that's the plan, but who knows with B-movies.

Jim

Dr. Blake runs a popular self-help TV show from his research center, but what his cult of fans don't know is that he also has a huge brain in his lab that is sending hypnotic brainwaves through the broadcast! There's no preamble, no explanation, things gets crazy immediately. During the latest show, a teenager at home starts freaking out when her teddy bear cries blood and demons start attacking her! It results in the girl killing her mother and herself out of sheer insanity. It's both disturbing and bizarre, setting the offbeat mood for what's in store.
The next day we meet Jim and Janet attending high school. Jim's quite the prankster, and he causes an explosion in the school's toilet, landing him in a meeting with his parents and the principal. They decide that Jim needs to visit Dr. Blake to get his bad attitude corrected. At the research center, Jim is put through a test to evaluate his response to the brain's power, but Jim seems to have some natural resistance to being hypnotized.

After Jim leaves we meet the brain up close, and one lab assistant wants to stop broadcasting the dangerous brainwaves, but Blake demands that the research continue. The brain then leaps from the table and proceeds to devour the worried assistant!! After this snack, the brain doubles in size and grows an ugly face! It's so unexpectedly freaky and hilarious that I didn't know what would come next.
The brain starts sending Jim hallucinations as he drives home, causing him to freak out at the diner where Janet works. Blake's assistant (the one that didn't get eaten) arrives and sedates Jim, hauling him back to the lab for more "treatment." Jim's able to escape, but he also sees the monstrous brain and hears Blake's plans to expand the broadcasting to reach more people. The assistant starts stalking Jim and Janet around town, killing anyone that gets in his way. Meanwhile, the brain keeps growing bigger, as more people in town are being driven crazy by watching too much TV.

Dr. Blake

With the police chasing him, and Janet acting weird, Jim has no choice but to head back to the research lab and try to stop Blake and the brain on his own, but not everything is as it seems in this town.

The movie is self-aware enough not to take itself too seriously or bore you with social commentary about media, but it still has some twisted ideas going on. Despite some parts being drawn out, the silly and creepy stuff kept me hooked the whole time.
The brain's face looks like something straight out of a nightmare, and yet you'll be laughing as the awkward blob of rubber gets rolled around on a dolly while it chases its meals. It really needs to be seen to be believed!



Be sure not to miss:
- Valuable lessons on the dangers of pure sodium.
- The cop getting decapitated is perfect, even without a single drop of blood.
- How did the skeleton come alive? Was the brain controlling it, or was it a dream? Either way, it was a pervert.
- Near the end, witness the most uneventful car chase ever.

Internet review:
"Entertainment for those that have trouble dealing with reality." - lost-in-limbo

Should I watch it?
A solid mix of laughs and weirdness, worth checking out.

Where can I find it?
On YouTube

The Brain gets...

The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984)

"I am alone." - Kain

A mighty warrior gets caught in the middle of two rival tyrants trying to control a town.
Starring: David Carradine, Maria Socas, Luke Askew, Anthony De Longis

Link to IMDB

Kain, the Dark One, is a tough warrior traveling the desert and looking for a place to use his skills and make some gold. He finds a village where two powerful men each have an army of hired swords at their disposal, as they constantly battle over who controls the limited water supply at the center of town. The poor civilians are used for labour, and face constant abuse at the hands of the brutes. Kain decides to get involved and beats down some of the men guarding the water, attracting the attention of both leaders, the tactical Zeg and the cunning Bal Caz. He goes to Bal Caz first, offering his sword skills for a high price of gold. When it comes time to fight, Kain just steps aside, letting the two tribes argue among themselves. We start to see he has a plan to work the two men against each other, while he keeps collecting piles of gold from both of them as they attempt to buy his loyalty. Kain is so skilled at manipulation that they don't realize he's pulling their strings to bring them down and free the town of their control.


Does any of this sound familiar? Almost the entire plot is directly from Yojimbo and/or A Fistful of Dollars. But hey, if you're going to rip something off, you might as well steal from the classics.

A third tyrant gets introduced, the savage Burgo, but he spends most of the time out in the desert. More importantly is that Zeg has a captive sorceress in his castle, and he's forcing her to make a magical sword which will ensure his victory. Kain rescues her, but she ends up getting traded back and forth a few times as a bargaining piece. More fighting occurs and even a tentacle monster shows up, but Kain stays in control, working only for himself.

Naja, the topless sorceress

Zeg vs. Bal Caz

Some of the fighting looks good, while at other times it looks pretty clumsy. Since the story is based on some great films and is kept dark and gritty, it's what kept me invested even in the slow parts. Carradine acting machiavellian is also quite fun and he gets a lot to do here, playing both a sly trickster and a trained killer.

Eventually, Kain's schemes begin to collapse, and the town is thrown into complete chaos when Burgo decides to join the conflict. Will Kain's skills be enough for him to survive what he started, and what sort of mystical help can Naja provide?
There may not be much originality to find here, but it's still an effective story with interesting characters, and ultimately becomes a decent yet cheap fantasy flick.



Be sure not to miss:
- The little lizard puppet was pretty cool. He should get his own movie.
- Zeg has quite an impressive Pog collection.
- One girl, four breasts. Now I've seen everything!

Internet review:
"Kurosawa on bad acid." - breakfastmanager

Should I watch it?
It's worth seeing, even just as the most bizarre Yojimbo remake ever.

Where can I find it?
Here on YouTube

Warrior and Sorceress gets...

Pretty Smart (1987)

"This transient low-life will soon blossom into an elegant rose." - Crawley

Rebellious girls at a boarding school get into all sorts of trouble.
Starring: Tricia Leigh Fisher, Patricia Arquette, Dennis Cole, Kim Waltrip

Link to IMDB

The movie opens with a premise of two sisters, the formal Jennifer and the rebellious Daphne, that have gotten into some sort of trouble recently and are being sent off to a European boarding school for the summer. This is all awkwardly revealed in about 10 seconds during the opening credits, but you might as well forgot about Jennifer because she's barely in the movie.
At the school the girls are socially segregated into two rival groups, the posh Preens and the alternative Subs. Daphne (usually going by her nickname, Ziggs) fits in with the Subs and soon makes friends with a cool girl named Zero.
The administrator is the sleazy Mr. Crawley, and we learn he's having money problems with the school and also that he uses hidden cameras to spy on the girls. It gets creepy! A lot of boring school stuff goes on for awhile, but Daphne is breaking all the rules in hopes of getting sent back home. After Crawley publicly embarrasses Daphne, she decides maybe she better straighten-up and follow the rules.


Daphne gets tasked with organizing a tennis tournament and dinner with the boys from a nearby school. Predictably, she was playing nice just so she could sabotage the event with a crazy rock n' roll band! This might sound fun, but every joke is falling flat on its face and some scenes exist for no reason, or just an excuse to get the girls naked.

Zero

Mr. Crawley

We get to see more of what Crawley is up to, and it's rather twisted for a light-hearted movie. He's selling his spy tapes of the girls on the black market, and also using the girls to unknowingly smuggle drugs when they travel around Europe! It really seems like pieces of the movie are missing, so the only plot we have to hold onto is what Crawley is up to, and yet it's treated like a damn sub-plot compared to the many scenes of the girls hanging-out. We don't care about any character at all, and even the Preen versus Subs rivalry becomes meaningless background noise. It's a mess, but eventually all the girls might have to work together to stop Crawley.
The movie had potential, but no idea what to do with it. I did enjoy parts of the confusing jumble because sometimes that can be fun itself, but Pretty Smart just ended up being pretty stupid.

Be sure not to miss:
- The prophylactic getting stuck to the ceiling was actually quite funny.
- The porno they watch was titled Rumple Foreskin
- It seems like they just forgot about the narrator, because he barely says anything after the first 10 minutes.

Internet review:
"Remember when zebra print was considered cool?" - peacharino

Should I watch it?
It's just not worth it.

Where can I find it?
Here on YouTube

Pretty Smart gets...

Body Rock (1984)

"Open your mind and let your body follow." - Chilly

A young man's dreams of fame and fortune are coming true, but is he ready for the big time?
Starring: Lorenzo Lamas, Vicki Frederick, Michelle Nicastro, Cameron Dye

Link to IMDB

Chilly D is a hip young man living in New York with a dream of becoming a famous artist. He's a street painter first, but also spends time in a dance group called the Body Rock Crew. Chilly doesn't want to work a square job, and tries to find a way the Crew can make money from dancing. His ambitions result in getting them an audition for a gig at a popular nightclub. There's just one problem, Chilly can't dance! Luckily, that's something that can be fixed with an epic montage, as the guys teach Chilly all their sweet moves. We also meet his new love interest, a girl named Darlene. The audition is a successful display of rapping, dancing and body rocking, but the plan doesn't go perfect; the owners of the nightclub only want Chilly and not the rest of the Crew. (Which is odd, because he's clearly the least talented.) Chilly decides to accept the job, with plans of getting his friends hired as soon as he gets himself established.

Darlene

The nightclub is a crazy combination of everything cool and freaky. Neon skeletons, glitter monsters and an infinite supply of dry-ice. Chilly's show is a hit, and he's quickly making lots of money and becoming famous in the city. His new rich friends are showing him what it means to party all night long, and he has some sexy times with a new crazy lady. With no spare time for his friends or Darlene, they begin to realize that Chilly's becoming a different person they do not like.

"Something about someone doing some break dancing." - Chilly

One night of partying gets out of control, and when Chilly loses his cool he punches his boss in the face! The next day he finds himself fired from his job. Feeling betrayed, Chilly realizes he's been ruining what matters most, his friendships! He has a plan to get successful again, and this time on his own terms, but will the Crew ever accept Chilly back into their ranks, and will Darlene accept him back into her heart?

Sleeves are for wimps.

Although not a musical, it has a similar flow to it, as there's always another song or dance to fill your eyes and ears. And everyone except Lamas himself seems to be a professional dancer. The middle section drags a bit and the story is predictable, but it's overflowing with 80's charm and energetic music, so it's still a good time with a story about friendship.

Be sure not to miss:
- The lyrics to the songs are pretty funny. Who knew Lorenzo Lamas could rap!? (Spoiler: He can't)
- How old is Chilly supposed to be? 18 or 30?
- Apparently, in the 80's it was okay for a 12 year old kid to work in a night club.
- They really captured some great NYC locations, in their crummy 80's glory.

Internet review:
"I highly suggest you and those close to your heart check out this Rapstravaganza!!! - jkutras

Should I watch it?
Perfect for when you need a face-full of 80's cheese.

Where can I find it?
Here on YouTube

Body Rock gets...

Bad Girls from Mars (1990)

"The smell of garbage, it turns me into a wild woman!" - Emanuelle

Someone is killing off the female leads during the making of a movie, so the producers hire a wild actress that's willing to work any job.
Starring: Edy Williams, Brinke Stevens, Oliver Darrow, Jay Richardson

Link to IMDB

There's a masked killer in Hollywood, and he's been causing mayhem on the set of a cheap sci-fi movie called "Bad Girls from Mars." Four actresses have been killed so far, and now the director, TJ McMaster, can't find anyone willing to take the lead role. Out of desperation they hire a famous European hooker that's in town, the saucy Emanuelle. It's not long before she's stirring up trouble for TJ, getting naked and acting wild everywhere she goes. They soon have an encounter with the killer, but Emanuelle escapes and runs to a gas station for one of the weirdest, greatest, most pointless scenes ever as she bonds with some thugs trying to rob the place.
What the hell is going on?!? You'll quickly see this is one of those movies that relies on the audience never having watched a movie before, but in this case it's actually pretty fun. It's not just a spoof, but a spoof of a spoof.




After establishing all the eccentric characters, everyone finally gets back to trying to make the sci-fi movie. There's also a detective hanging around now, investigating the murders and eating all the catering. The attempts at filming the sci-fi movie are turning into a disaster, which mirrors my thoughts of this movie itself! The random sex scenes are thankfully brief but the odd wrestling scene has just as much awkward nudity in it, as Emanuelle fights with TJ's jealous girlfriend. The killer appears again and we learn about his motives when he kidnaps Emanuelle, but there is a twist to be found at the end that changes everything!

Bad acting on Mars

"Will this movie never end?" - TJ

Every aspect is trashy here, sometimes literally, because Emanuelle has a garbage fetish! But she really is the best part of the movie. Edy Williams embraces the weirdness of the role and gleefully throws herself into the chaos, even winking at the camera once and awhile to keep it surreal. The script is all over the place (maybe on purpose?) and there are random sound effects to punctuate the comedy, keeping this spoof so off kilter that some parts make no sense. The trashiness has a few glimpses of minor genius, so it kept me laughing.
If John Waters made a movie when he was 10 years old, it might have looked something like this.

Be sure not to miss:
- A poster for The Tomb can be seen. Same director, our pal Fred Olen Ray.
- Fred can also be seen here, as the thug with the bandanna.
- Fittingly, there are a few Ed Wood references.

Internet review:
"Movies like this make baby Jesus cry." - Jeremiah

Should I watch it?
When you want some fun trash and naughty laughs. Beer is recommended.

Where can I find it?
Here on YouTube.

Bad Girls from Mars gets...