Pumpkinhead (1988)

Ed: "God damn you!"
Haggis: "He already has, son."

A man summons a monster to get revenge on a group of teenagers.

Starring: Lance Henriksen, Jeff East, Cynthia Bain, Florence Schauffler

Link to IMDB

Ed Harley and his young son Billy live a simple life on their farm with a little grocery store to sell fresh produce. Their peace and quiet is disrupted one day when a group of six rowdy college kids show up for a weekend of camping nearby. The kids seem decent enough except for Joel, who is a real bossy jerk.
Tragedy strikes when Ed leaves Billy unattended for a few minutes, as Joel accidentally runs the small boy over! Scared and worried about trouble with the law, Joel escapes the scene before Ed knows what has happened, and little Billy dies in the dirt.
(Wow, this movie isn't pulling any punches!)

When Ed find his son he's filled with the tremendous grief and anger that one would expect. Meanwhile, Joel takes charge of his friends, making sure no one tries to contact the police as they hideout in their rented cabin.

Filled with calm resolution, Ed goes into the darkest depths of the forest to find an old witch lady with mystical powers, hoping that she can somehow help Billy. Her name is Haggis and although she can't raise the dead she does offer Ed a way to get retribution, and they perform a ritual to awaken a monstrous creature know as Pumpkinhead!

There are elements of the standard slasher film here as the monster begins attacking the kids in their cabin, but the movie doesn't rely on cheap gore or nudity to create thrills, and instead it continues to build tension as the rather likeable college kids try to survive. This is also when Ed begins to regret unleashing Pumpkinhead, as he realizes that his desire for vengeance was a deadly mistake.

This movie is thoroughly enjoyable in many aspects. Lance Henriksen is a great actor and he's in top form here, going through a wide range of emotions that all feel believable. The other star of the movie is the amazing creature effects that still look incredible in 2016. It's a real treat seeing Pumpkinhead in action, even if he's not as sexy as the monster in Alien.
The atmosphere and cinematography set the perfect mood, and the story quickly pulls you in with its sincerity and mounting sensation of dread. There are even some truly creepy moments, making this a perfect movie to watch for some fun spooky vibes.

Be sure not to miss:
- Those definitely aren't Lance's real teeth.
- Mr. Wallace is played by George Buck Flower. That guy sure was in a lot of movies.
- Rats enough!

Internet review:
"This fantastic horror cinema is one of my all time favorite creature films." - pooponshoe84

Should I watch it?
Recommended!

Where can I find it?
Here on YouTube.

Pumpkinhead gets...

The Beast Within (1982)

"The cicadas are in the trees now." - Michael

A young man holds a dangerous secret within himself.
Starring: Paul Clemens, Bibi Besch, Ronny Cox, L.Q. Jones

Link to IMDB

The story begins on a rainy night in 1964 just outside of a small town called Nioba, as Eli and Caroline MacCleary are stranded on a country road after their car breaks down. Things go from bad to worse when they are attacked by a mysterious figure that rapes Caroline!

17 years pass and the MacClearys have kept the baby that was conceived from that night, so now they have a loving son named Michael. It seems Michael's health has recently taken a turn for the worse though, and without any knowledge of the father's genetics the doctors are fearing that Michael won't survive much longer.
Eli and Caroline are desperate to help, so they decide to return to Nioba in hopes of finding some information on the man that raped her. Posing as authors they begin to pry into the town's history, but the locals are not too keen on nosy strangers.
Meanwhile, Michael escapes from the hospital and also drives to Nioba, compelled by dreams that he doesn't understand.


Dreams aren't Michael's only fuel, he also has an inner rage that is controlling him and when he arrives in town he savagely rips a man to pieces! When Michael awakens in the Nioba hospital with his parents at his side, he doesn't seem to recall the murder but he's feeling healthy... And the very next night, Michael kills again!
It's clear that the deadly impulses inside Michael are connected to the history of Nioba and that this little town has some big secrets, but how it's all connected becomes the mystery. The local sheriff and doctor are the only ones willing to help the MacClearys, as a crazy tale of revenge and madness threatens to destroy the entire community.

Caroline, Eli,  Doc, and Sheriff

The plot begins predictable but gets more interesting as new elements are introduced. It's also quite tense watching Michael slowly lose control over his own will and body, as his inherited malevolence fights to take control from within.
Although light on gore, the proficiently ghastly grossness of the special effects in the third act are a sight worth seeing. The movie might not always be logical and the ending gets ridiculous, but it's a fun thriller with great atmosphere akin to an old X-Files episode.

Be sure not to miss:
- Unrelated to the story, we overhear the sheriff on the telephone: "Oral sodomy... hmm." 
- A dog carrying a severed arm always kills the romance.

Internet review:
"One of the better, and most overlooked, monster films of the 80's." - Angrychair

Should I watch it?
It was better than I expected.

Where can I find it?
Vidzi link here.

The Beast Within gets...

Dolls (1987)

"Toys are loyal." - Gabriel

A family on vacation meet a haunted collection of dolls.
Starring: Carrie Lorraine, Stephen Lee, Ian Patrick Williams, and Guy Rolfe

Link to IMDB

We're introduced to Judy Bower, an imaginative young girl on holiday with her father and stepmother, both of whom are rather cruel idiots that dislike spending time with her. While driving through the countryside a violent storm pushes their car off the road, and the trio are forced to seek shelter at a nearby mansion.
The mansion is owned by a friendly old couple, Gabriel and Hilary Hartwicke, and they welcome the Bowers in for the night. Gabriel is a doll maker, and all the dolls scattered around the house thrill Judy's young imagination.

More guests arrive from out of the rain, two crude punker girls and a bashful man named Ralph. Judy and Ralph are the only guests that aren't insufferable fools and they quickly become friends, bonding over their interest in Gabriel's fascinating toys.
From atop their shelves, all the dolls seem to be watching as everyone settles in for bed.


Considering the premise of the movie is incredibly obvious, they sure do take their time getting to the good stuff. It takes 40 minutes before anything weird happens. Eventually, the movie springs into action when the killer dolls are confirmed! And it's freaking awesome!
Using clever puppetry and stop-animation, the dolls come to life and viciously attack the ungrateful house guests. Gabriel pretends nothing wrong is happening, but he has a plan for his victims that is truly creepy.

Gabriel

Ralph

Since this is directed by Stuart Gordon, I was hoping for a much darker and gruesome movie, but instead it's mostly light-hearted fun. There are some creepy moments and a touch of R rated gore, but it never stops being a cuddly comedy that almost feels like a Disney movie if not for the violence. Instead of twisted horror, we are force-fed a moral about the importance of remaining young at heart.

I'm not really sure who the target audience was supposed to be, but I can't imagine anyone besides children accepting the ending as anything other than fairy tale laziness. It is a fun and clever movie, but far too saccharine for my tastes.

Be sure not to miss:
- Bear shrug.

Internet review:
"Top notch effects, but pretty average everywhere else." - EZ Mac

Should I watch it?
Worth a watch, if you're looking for a goofy movie.

Where can I find it?
Links here.

Dolls gets...

The Terror Within (1989)

"Gargoyles, shmargoyles." - Andre

Scientists are terrorized by a mutant monster.
Starring: Andrew Stevens, Terri Treas, Starr Andreeff, and George Kennedy

Link to IMDB

In the near future, Earth has been decimated by some sort of biological accident which left the surface of the planet too hostile to live on. The few remaining humans survive in underground bunkers, only going to the surface to hunt for food or do research, but they always have to be on the lookout for deadly mutants know as gargoyles.
One such bunker is in the Mojave desert, with six scientists inside. When David and Sue are out on patrol they find a camp of survivors that have all been ripped to shreds, except one lady named Karen. She's been attacked by gargoyles so they take her back to the bunker for medical attention.

Linda                                                           David  and  Sue                                                                Hal

It turns out that Karen is pregnant, but it's a bizarre pregnancy that is rapidly growing. Well, you know where this is going! Yup, a monster baby rips its way out her and scuttles across the floor like a cat dragging its butt on the carpet! Apparently, gargoyles are prone to raping humans, and now our six survivors are suitably terrified of this quickly maturing mutant they have in their home.

The movie gives us time to spend with the characters as they all react differently, and it establishes everyone well. Linda and Hal are the sensible ones, Sue screams a lot, and David is the cocksure hunk. Two other guys are here for comedic relief; let's see how long they last.
As expected, the team gather some weapons and hunt the gargoyle down, trying to stop it before it reaches full size.



This is obviously an Alien rip-off, but it's one of the more entertaining ones I've seen. With twice as much melodrama and a fraction of the budget, it still manages to be a tense 90 minutes. This is mainly due to how the characters handle the situation, as they appear strong and smart instead of just blundering fools.

As far as a derivative sci-fi B movie goes, you can do a lot worse. The acting and rubber suited monster might fall short of excellent, but the story is kept moving at a brisk and well structured pace. There's enough action and slime to keep the sci-fi fans in the zone, and besides, where else are you going to see a movie with flamethrowers, laser guns and a baby monster flying out of a chest cavity?

Be sure not to miss:
- "It tastes like chicken."
- Moonshine is the building block of any civilization.

Internet review:
"Well-done cheese. Like the brown, crispy bits on the crust of a pizza. You couldn't survive on it, but in the right circumstances it's good eating." - AlecJ

Should I watch it?
It's a decent monster movie.

Where can I find it?
Vidzi link here.

The Terror Within gets...

For Y'ur Height Only (1981)

"You're such a tiny little guy. Very petite, like a potato." - Irma

A short secret agent must bring down a drug cartel.
Starring: Weng Weng, Beth Sandoval, Max Alvarado, Yehlen Catral

Link to IMDB

Taking a brief interlude from all this October spookiness, and I found some real gold!

Meet Agent 00, a highly trained and well respected secret agent. He also happens to be 2'9" tall, but you'd be mistaken to think that his small size makes him less dangerous.
When a mysterious criminal named Mr. Giant kidnaps a famed scientist for his knowledge about weapons of mass destruction, Agent 00 is called in to help with the rescue mission. Equipped with an assortment of spy gadgets and even a miniature machine gun, 00 is ready for anything.

With help from another agent, Irma, who has gone undercover to infiltrate Mr. Giant's drug cartel, Agent 00 starts taking down bad guys and striking fear into the hearts of thugs everywhere.
Second in command of the crime syndicate is Columbus, and he's the one that has to deal with stopping 00, because Mr. Giant remains hidden away at a secret location.

"He's made a monkey out of the forces of evil." - Kaiser

The continuity is all over the place but the plot is simple. Agent 00 infiltrates various strongholds to kick bad guys in the groins and use his little gadgets to cause mayhem, occasionally taking a break for some romance with the ladies he encounters. There's a ton of action and fighting, and it's all incredibly fun. Weng Weng is definitely an athletic actor, as he does all of his own stunts and fighting, and he's not afraid to get thrown around by the much larger actors.

Columbus

Irma

The movie consistently gets better as it goes along, and the stakes are raised when Irma's life is in danger and Agent 00 has to rescue her from the elusive Mr. Giant himself. Sword fights, jet packs, and a lot of goons getting kicked in the balls, our little hero will do what it takes to save the day!

I wouldn't necessarily call this movie a spoof because it's all played straight and doesn't rely on Weng's small stature as a punchline, but it does enjoy having fun and is comfortable in its absurd low-budget cheesiness. Add in the hilariously dubbed dialog and the clueless look that Weng usually has on his face, and you've got the recipe for non-stop laughs.

Be sure not to miss:
- You know what they say about little guys. Huge nipples!
- There's always money in the banana gold.
- The umbrella scene.

Internet review:
"The whole thing is amazing to watch on several levels." - Greywizard

Should I watch it?
YES!

Where can I find it?
Here on YouTube.

For Y'ur Height Only gets...

Don't Go In the House (1979)

"Come inside and meet my mother." - Donny

If a deeply disturbed man invites you into his house, don't go in the house!
Starring: Dan Grimaldi, Robert Osth, Johanna Brushay, Susan Smith

Link to IMDB

Donny Kohler is a man obsessed with fire. When he was a child, his mother abused him by burning his arms every time he did something bad, and now he carries with him a profound fear and love for flames.
He still lives with mother, but when she dies in her sleep he denies the reality of it, and keeps her corpse in the house so he can talk to her. Although Donny is grief stricken, he also realizes he is now free from his mother's control.
After literally jumping on the furniture for the first time in his life, Donny's next business is to build a metal fireproof room where he can play with his flamethrower.
Donny is quite disturbed but he comes across as a shy and unassuming guy, so he has no problems luring a woman into the house. The poor lady becomes Donny's first victim, as he chains her up in the fire room and burns her alive!


Holy shit, the burning is quite disturbing, as Donny calmly watches all her "evilness" melt away. He descends deeper into madness, as he continues to kill more women and keeps their charred corpses in the living room. When he begins hallucinating about his mother and his victims coming to life to punish him, he realizes that maybe he's gone too far.
In hopes of finding normalcy, Donny tries to reconnect with his friends and his love for disco, but it's only a matter of time before Donny is going to explode.

"I was burned, just like in Hell." - Donny

Don't go to the disco !

Instead of a slasher film the story is a gritty view into Donny's breakdown, and for the most part it works well. Much of that credit goes to Grimaldi's great performance, because he really carries the entire film.
We understand that Donny is also a victim, but it fails to create enough suspense and the only conflict in the plot is his inner turmoil. The music and atmosphere are bleak and moody, fitting perfectly with the fact that we're experiencing everything from Donny's perspective.
Overall, this is a memorable grindhouse thriller, but isn't quite exceptional enough to be a classic.

Be sure not to miss:
- The fun of yelling, "Don't go in the house!" every time someone goes into Donny's house.
- Dan Grimaldi later played Patsy Parisi on The Sopranos.

Internet review:
"A true documentary about every kid who watched Beavis and Butthead." - Brakywaki

Should I watch it?
It's good, but not essential.

Where can I find it?
Here on YouTube.

Don't go in the House gets...

Microwave Massacre (1983)

"I'm so hungry, I could eat a whore." - Donald

Fed up with his wife's bad cooking, a man becomes a cannibal.
Starring: Jackie Vernon, Al Troupe, Claire Ginsberg, Marla Simon

Link to IMDB

It took less than five minutes for this movie to reveal that it was going to be pure schlock, and my heart went all pitter-patter as I felt a love connection forming.

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Donald, a simple construction worker that has grown tired of his mundane life. His wife seems to be the cause of his most of his woes, because she's a real nag that refuses to cook any of his favourite food for him. Donald's now resigned to eat microwave dinners and sandwiches that are as stale as his nonexistent sex life.

But wait! One night at dinner, Donald unexpectedly discovers a solution to the two major problems in his life - his nagging wife and his lack of tasty meals - when he loses his temper, kills her, and cooks her body in the microwave!
(It's a really big microwave.)


Donald doesn't have time for guilt or remorse because he's too busy feasting on delicious meat, and even his co-workers are eager to see what tasty treats Donald will have in his lunch each day. The only problem that he has now is a dwindling meat supply, so when Donald flirts with a lady at the bar he gets the idea to invite her over for dinner. *wink wink*
It's not long before Donald has fully embraced his cannibalistic appetites, and he becomes a skilled butcher as he invites a parade of tasty prostitutes and strangers into his kitchen.

"Have you ever screwed in 3-Dee?" - Dee Dee Dee

That's the central story of the movie, but oh boy, there sure is a lot of random gags thrown in here to keep the spoof train rolling. There are many pointless scenes that exist just for laughs, but almost all of the comedy fails at being legitimate humour. I was still laughing, of course, because it's easy to appreciate the hilarious incompetence.

He's very handy in the kitchen

Jackie Vernon was known for his dry comedic delivery, and his monotone performance here enhances the absurdity of the sloppy script. It's a bizarre mix of sitcom and exploitation that never makes sense.
The movie is terrible, sure, but it's fully aware of this and embraces its own sleazy nature. It's cheesy trash because that's exactly the way it was intended to be made, so at least the filmmakers are being honest with the audience.

Although there is plenty of blood it's not horrific, and the special effects don't even attempt realism. The sex scenes are probably the most disturbing moments!
There's little concern for logic or landing the jokes correctly, but it still manages to be entertaining. It's just too weird and too joyfully awful to be missed by anyone that enjoys cult schlock.


Be sure not to miss:
- That couch has some intense stains.
- Sam the bartender steals every scene he's in.
- Apparently, the bearded guy at the end is Paul Reubens, but I'm not sure if that's true.
- The dog, Napoleon...

Internet review:
"A unique guilty pleasure for people that want a serving of pitch-black humour." - Zabel

Should I watch it?
Yes, but I wouldn't attempt it sober.

Where can I find it?
Vidzi link here, but it also seems to be on YouTube.
And for anyone in Calgary, it is playing at the Globe on Oct. 29th.

Microwave Massacre gets...

Anthropophagus (1980)

"Shut up, Carol!" - Andy

aka: The Grim Reaper
Tourists become stranded on an island with a hungry killer.
Starring: Tisa Farrow, Saverio Vallone, Zora Kerova, Mark Bodin, and George Eastman

Link to IMDB

Julie

A group of tourists are enjoying their adventure through the Mediterranean countryside, and along the way they meet another traveler named Julie. The group decides to invite Julie with them, and together they all head out on a rented yacht to visit a beautiful island. They are unaware of a killer in the area, so they expect that this will be a "totes perf vacay."

It takes a tedious 30 minutes before anything of note happens but they finally arrive on the island and discover that the little town there is completely deserted, and an eerie atmosphere is firmly established. The one guy that remained on the yacht is promptly murdered by an unknown person and the boat drifts out to sea, effectively trapping everyone on the island.


Frightened, they search the town for clues on what has happened, but the only person they find is a young lady named Rita. She's blind and suffering from some sort-of trauma, so she doesn't do much except warn them that a deranged man is coming for them.
Despite moving along slow, the plot isn't completely dull because the tension is rising among the group and the creepy vibes are palpable. The sensation that something terrible is on the horizon becomes captivating, and thankfully, the payoff is worth the wait.

The demented man begins relentlessly stalking the group, biting his way through any throats he can get his hands on! Things gets intense, as the movie delivers some wonderfully disturbing and gory violence in the last 30 minutes. Julie and her friends better find a way to survive, because there's nowhere to hide!

Rita makes an entrance

This movie has aged quite well and deservedly earned its cult following, but it's far from perfect. There are some truly shocking moments near the end, but I don't think it lives up to its reputation as being a classic of Italian giallo horror.
Despite the bleak and sever atmosphere, I was still able to find a few good laughs here. I also liked the character dynamics (even the annoying Carol,) and that the killer gets a much appreciated backstory to explain his motives.
I really did enjoy how everything was presented here, but it is damn slow at getting to the point.

Be sure not to miss:
- The dog at the start has a silly face. It's a solid performance.
- What was with that wonky circus music Arnold had in his van?
- Rats enough!

Internet review:
"It should be on the agenda for any horror aficionado." - Dante7000

Should I watch it?
It is worth seeing, but it's a slow one.

Where can I find it?
Here on YouTube. (and I'm pretty sure it's the uncut version)

Anthropophagus gets...

Three on a Meathook (1973)

Stuff happens on a farm, but very little of it could be mistaken for a horror movie.
Starring: James Carroll Pickett, Charles Kissinger, Sherry Steiner

Link to IMDB

October is the month when I delight in finding unusual horror movies... And then there are moments like this, when I watch Three on a Meathook and realize I don't know what I'm doing.

Billy

Four young ladies are out enjoying some countryside camping, but when their car breaks down they find themselves stranded in the middle of nowhere. Luckily, Billy comes along to help them, and he offers them a place to stay at his farmhouse for the night. Billy lives with his Pa, who dislikes the idea of having strange females in the house ever since Ma died, but Billy persuades him that the girls need a safe place to sleep.
Safe place, my ass!
In the middle of the night the girls are all stabbed to death!!

Pa is not surprised to discover the murders in the morning. It seems that Billy has killed girls in the past, although he never remembers actually committing the violent acts. To protect his son, Pa will destroy all the evidence, and he sends Billy into the city where he can clear his thoughts away from the farm.

Full of guilt and shame at what he's done, Billy walks around the city feeling sad while a sappy guitar ballad details the plight of being a lonely soul in troubled times... This goes on for about 30 minutes... What the hell is this movie doing!?
While relaxing at a bar, Billy meets Sherry, a free-spirited gal that thinks hillbillies crying in their beer is very attractive. They spend the night together and begin to form a friendship.

"Let this boy keep his evil to himself." - Pa

Pa

Sherry

Back on the farm, even a blind person could see the hints that Pa has some dark secrets, and is very likely eating the girls that Billy has killed. This makes you question who the killer really is; the mild-mannered Billy, or his cantankerous father.
Sherry and her girlfriend visit Billy at home, and together they go on a hippy pilgrimage through corn fields and forests. It's almost dreamlike as Billy longs for spiritual peace, love and transcendental unity with nature... What is this movie trying to be!?
Eventually, the predictable twists about Pa and Billy are revealed, and the movie attempts to bring back the horror elements for the finale.

♫  Elevator music plays  ♫

Despite there being a handful of bloody murders, this is not a horror movie, actually it doesn't really fit into any genre. Most of the plot is about Billy soul searching his way through musical interludes. It can get incredibly dull but remains oddly compelling, mostly because everything is so out of place and poorly executed that the faults become hilarious.
The script is as clunky as a bag of hammers on an escalator, and it doesn't help that the sound quality of the dialog is just absurd. The voices all have a weird echo to them, and it only adds to the illogical feeling of the film.

I don't think I can really recommend this to anyone, and yet I am glad that I watched it. The filmmakers had enthusiasm and sincerity to tell the story they wanted, but it's wildly uneven and pointlessness abounds.

When it ended, my mind was like a tumbleweed in a ghost town of turds, and all I could say was, "Well, this exists, and I watched it." ...I'm not sure if anyone else should, though.

Be sure not to miss:
- Billy wet the bed at Sherry's place.

Internet review:
"The hangover from this movie is vicious." - Sir Molokidan

Should I watch it?
I have no idea.

Where can I find it?
Some links here.

Three on a Meathook gets...