Cannibal Ferox (1981)

"Why couldn't we have gone to Acapulco, instead of this poison paradise?" - Pat

A group of tourists upset the natives in the Amazon jungle.
Starring: Danilo Mattei, Lorraine De Selle, Giovanni Lombardo Radice, Zora Kerova

Link to IMDB

Gloria is an anthropologist that is studying the history of cannibalism, so she's heading into the Amazonian jungle to do some research. Coming along with her are two friends, Rudy and Pat. They wander around in the jungle for awhile, basically lost, until they meet two other Americans named Mike and Joe. The two guys are wounded, as they barely escaped from a tribe of cannibals, but at least it seems like Gloria is on the right trail.

Gloria                                    Rudy                                         Pat

It doesn't take long before Mike's true nature comes out. He's basically a madman, and his story about how the natives attacked him is not entirely true. Mike is the one that started all the violence and terrified the tribe, and he's eager to kill more of the natives.
The natives are not as dumb as Mike thinks and they're prepared to fight back to get revenge, and they won't be happy until every American in the jungle is dead!

Joe                                            Mike

This might all sound bleak and dark, and although there is a fair amount of violence and bloodshed here, there's also a surprising amount of hilarity. It's not just unintentional laughs either, the movie has a lot of humorous tones to it and very upbeat music which creates some quirky moments.
There's also a subplot about the police in New York trying to find Mike. It seems rather pointless at first, but they do eventually come to the jungle and get caught up in the action too.

Most of the movie is the white people trying to escape from the natives, and things do get pretty horrific because this is still in the cannibal-exploitation genre, but what really had me entertained is how much I was laughing. Some of the dialog is just pure dumb gold, for example...

Rudy: "There's something I can't figure out."

Gloria: "What's that?"

Rudy: "I don't know."

One problem here is the animal violence. To be fair, most of it is similar to what you would see on the Discovery channel, but one scene where Mike kills a pig just becomes pointlessly cruel.
If you can look past that, this is a pretty wild and funny ride from an era of filmmaking that is long gone.

Be sure not to miss:
- When they first arrive in Peru, it's strongly implied that Pat has sex with a stranger just so that she can use his shower.
- They crash the jeep because of a "jaywalking iguana."
- The epilogue is really weird.

Internet review:
"It's a popcorn cannibal film, if such a thing can exist." - Brett H

Should I watch it?
Recommended if you're not squeamish.

Where can I find it?
Links here.

Cannibal Ferox gets...

Slaughterhouse (1987)

"You've gone hog wild!!" - Lester

aka: Bacon Bits
A crazy pig farmer plots revenge on the locals trying to ruin his farm.
Starring: Don Barrett, Joe B. Barton, Sherry Leigh, Erich Schwarz, Jeff Wright, Jane Higginson

Link to IMDB

Lester Bacon's pig farm has fallen on bad times, mostly due to the fact that a nearby high tech meat-packing factory has been stealing all of his business. Now the bank is going to foreclose on Lester's land and what remains of his pig business in 30 days. A couple of his old colleagues from town are trying to convince him to sell into the factory, but Lester is stubborn and refuses to give up his farm.

While that story plods along we also meet a group of teenagers that are always looking for excitement in the small town. The main two are Liz and Skip, and they're usually partying with their friends in the forest. But when two of the teens wander onto Lester's land, they meet his son, Buddy, who is a very demented guy indeed.



Buddy doesn't seem to have all of his wits, but what he lacks in intelligence he makes up for with rage and violence, because he loves killing anyone that comes onto the farm! When Lester learns about two dead kids in the barn, he decides to use his son's hobby of killing people to get revenge on the townsfolk that are driving him off of his land.

    Liz                                         Skip                                  Sheriff

The body count slowly rises as Buddy kills the people that Lester lures to the farm, and the Sheriff begins snooping around when he realizes that people are going missing. Meanwhile, Liz and Skip are doing teenager stuff, unknowingly putting themselves in danger as they hang-out near the farm.
I can't make it sound exciting, because it isn't.

Buddy going bonkers

This movie advertises itself as a slasher, but it most definitely is not. There's no sense of horror, suspense or dread here at all, and Buddy is not even remotely scary. Most of the movie is very dry and uneventful, with the "action" being when Buddy goes on the occasional rampage, which comes across very melodramatic to the point of being goofy.

I didn't care about any character, except for Lester oddly enough. The actor really hams it up, and his intensity creates a lot of unintentional humour. But the plot moves too slow, and all the deaths happen 20 minutes apart from each other. Although, what little gore we do get is actually pretty good.

I did appreciate the dark quirkiness here, but overall the movie is just too damn aggressively boring. There are many other movies that do the same thing much better.


Be sure not to miss:
- The "Hogs are Beautiful" poster.
- The radio station is called KFAT.

Internet review:
"Efficiently made but easy to dislike." - StankShadow

Should I watch it?
Probably not.

Where can I find it?
Links here. vidzi

Slaughterhouse gets...

Fiend (1980)

"There's something sinister next door, Marsha." - Gary

aka: Deadly Neighbour
A killer with supernatural powers moves to the suburbs.
Starring: Don Leifert, Richard Nelson, Elaine White, George Stover, Greg Dohler

Link to IMDB

Mr. Longfellow

The movie begins as a mysterious spirit floats into a graveyard and reanimates a corpse. This zombie man then kills a lady and absorbs her soul energy, thereby restoring his body and mind to normal. His name is Mr. Longfellow, and the next thing he does is buy a house in the suburbs.

A few months pass and Longfellow has been living a seemingly normal life, teaching violin lessons from his basement, but the neighbours are starting to realize that Longfellow is a very strange man.
A married couple, Gary and Marsha, are getting annoyed with the loud violin music always coming from next door, and Gary decides he's going to confront Longfellow and maybe get some information on the man.



Gary eventually discovers that Longfellow is interested in the occult and other spooky subjects, but what he doesn't know is that Longfellow has been killing people and stealing their souls in order to maintain his normal appearance.
When a local kid is murdered, Gary begins to suspect that Mr. Longfellow is involved, so he starts researching the paranormal and spying on Longfellow in attempt to uncover the truth of what his neighbour is really up to. This only serves to put Gary and the whole community in more danger!

Gary                                        Marsha

This is a Don Dohler film, a man infamous for his creative Do-It-Yourself low budget movies that are completely amateurish and yet always somehow compelling. Fiend is not one his most memorable movies but it still held my attention with its inherent weirdness, especially the character dynamic between the arrogant Longfellow and the determined Gary.

Longfellow claims another victim

The general tone Dohler was trying to create is a tense gothic dread, and although the creepy synthesizer score does much to build that atmosphere, it doesn't give you the sense of any real horror. There is a real lack of scares or suspense here, and the supernatural elements do not get enough attention.

It's an odd little movie that gave me some good laughs, and you can tell it was made with genuine care. Unfortunately, there's just not much action or thrills compared to some of Dohler's other films.


Be sure not to miss:
- The "violin music" coming from Longfellow's house is just synthesizer screeches that sound nothing
like a real violin.

Internet review:
"It's kinda awesome without necessarily being any good." - M. Beeson

Should I watch it?
Dohler fans should see it, but others might find it too dry.

Where can I find it?
Here on YouTube.

Fiend gets...

Weekend Pass (1984)

"Four guys, four different directions." - Paul

Four young Navy cadets try to find romance on the weekend.
Starring: Peter Ellenstein, D.W. Brown, Chip McAllister, Patrick Houser, Pamela Kay Davis

Link to IMDB

I've now officially watched every movie from the Too Cool for School collection.
Hooray?

Paul, Webster, Bunker and Lester are four guys about to graduate from the Navy training school, and they've been given a weekend pass to celebrate. Their goal is to head into the city and try to find some babes to romance before they have to ship out.
They waste no time getting to the strip joint, and the four boys start competing for attention from the ladies. After about 15 minutes of girls dancing on the screen, the guys head to the beach to look for more girls... And the movie has already run out of ideas.

This is a lighthearted comedy, so I wasn't expecting too much of a plot, but there is barely any story to follow here. It's just scene after scene of these four guys trying to get laid, but never finding any success.
Okay, to be fair there are a few moments that tried to add something a bit more substantial, like when Bunker has to fight his old rival from the hood, but these scenes were short and always undercut by humour instead of poignancy.

Lots of this

At least the four main characters are likeable, for the most part, because instead of being sleazy jerks they come across as inexperienced goofs that are just a bit clueless. They have good comradery between them, and try to uphold the honour that the Navy has taught them.

There's an attempt to create a sentimental ending, but it just feels too little too late, because every scene that came before it was random and tiresome, as though there never was a plan or script to begin with.

The comedy isn't funny and the sex isn't sexy. Everything is just really awkward and boring.


Be sure not to miss:
- Phil Hartman has a cameo.
- "I'm gonna put a hole in your ass and wear it around my neck like a souvenir."
- The theme song is incredibly bad.

Internet review:
"Doesn't really do anything interesting to make the watch worthwhile." - Bcrow8

Should I watch it?
No.

Where can I find it?
Here on YouTube.

Weekend Pass gets...

The Hidden (1987)

"What I'm after is still out there, and I don't know where to start." - Gallagher

Two cops try to stop a deadly alien lifeform.
Starring: Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Nouri, Claudia Christian, William Boyett, Clarence Felder

Link to IMDB

When Officer Tom Beck is finally able to stop a crazed criminal's two week rampage through the streets of L.A., he thinks he can finally get some peace of mind. But then an eccentric FBI agent named Lloyd Gallagher arrives and explains that his trouble has only just begun.
Agent Gallagher seems to know more than he's letting on, because we quickly learn that an alien lifeform was using the criminal's body as a host, and now it has entered a new person and escaped custody!!
Holy shit.

      Tom Beck                             Lloyd Gallagher

Alien stuff

The alien, now occasionally switching bodies to remain elusive, continues a crime spree across the city, seemingly without any plan except to cause chaos.
Meanwhile, Gallagher and Beck are off to a rocky start working together. Gallagher keeps the alien stuff secret for now, realizing that no one will believe him, but he needs to gain Beck's trust if they want to stop the criminal that is always two steps ahead of them.

As the men encounter their unstoppable target in gun fights and car chases, Beck begins to wonder what exactly they are up against. But the truth of the matter is far stranger than he can expect!

"You think it's over, but you're wrong." - Alien

This movie had me hooked right from the explosive start, and thankfully it was able to sustain that level of entertainment through until the end. It follows the usual formula of 80's cop action, but with the addition of some spectacular science fiction and even some film noir vibes. It felt like a combination of Lethal Weapon and The X-Files, which obviously created a fun and efficient thrill ride.

The alien's got a gun !

I do have a complaint with one of the storytelling choices, because the movie reveals one of its twists much too soon. Instead of letting the audience debate a certain mysterious aspect about what's going on, it very obviously drops hints that, in my opinion, spoils one of the movie's best secrets.

Other than that one small annoyance, this was a real treat from start to finish, and it's a hidden gem that has aged surprisingly well.


Be sure not to miss:
- The alien really likes rock n' roll and fast sport cars... Maybe it just came to party?
- Where the car salesman hides his cocaine.
- There are plenty of familiar faces here. Including Ed O'Ross and Richard Brooks.
- Danny Trejo has a quick cameo, and one great line: "Yo, hippy, what kind of dude are you?"

Internet review:
"The epitome of everything that made '80s cinema everlastingly fantastic." - LuigiBastardo

Should I watch it?
Yes!!

Where can I find it?
Links here.

The Hidden gets...

Punk Vacation (1987)

"You want to play chicken with me, hey punk?" - Lisa

A gang of punks terrorize a small peaceful town.
Starring: Roxanne Rogers, Sandra Bogan, Stephen Fiachi, Rob Garrison, Don Martin

Link to IMDB

Lisa lives in a small Californian town in the middle of nowhere, working with her dad and sister at their diner. She occasionally has dates with Deputy Steve, but nothing exciting ever happens.
Until one night when a motorcycle gang of punks roll into town and within minutes they start an argument with Lisa's dad and they kill him!!

Lisa wants revenge, so she gets a gun and heads into the desert to confront the gang, but she only gets herself into more trouble when the punks kidnap her.

Meanwhile, the hot-headed Sheriff is filled with rage, and he's ready to do anything to get the punks out of his town. Deputy Steve wants a more peaceful solution, but once he realizes Lisa is in danger he's eager to rescue her.

"One of the finest citizens this town has ever known had his ass murdered out there by those filthy, yellow-bellied, FASCIST COMMUNIST PINKOS!!" - Sheriff

The leader of the punks is a young lady named Ramrod, and although she's an intense anarchist that did commit murder, she's more than just a one dimensional psycho.
Most of the gang consists of impressionable teenagers that just wanted to "play rebel," and as they grow disturbed by Ramrod's violence they start to question their commitment to punk life. Their only reason for sticking around is to rescue one of their own from the police guarded hospital.

Deputy Steve                              Sheriff    

We get to sympathize with the punks, including Ramrod, and see that they're mostly normal kids that are in over their heads with a crazy situation. Actually, all of the characters are easy to root for, except the Sheriff. He's a trigger happy redneck that is ready to wage war with the teenagers, and comes across as a total goof.

Ramrod

There's a really good balance of gritty, violent realism alongside more lighthearted vibes. The mix works surprisingly well, even if some of the tonal shifting is simply a byproduct of sloppy filmmaking, but it keeps everything moving along at a fast pace despite the lack of narrative.

I was really surprised by this movie, and its peculiarities with dialog, editing and tone entertained me much more than I was expecting. It strikes that perfect equilibrium of being engaging while still having the strange charm of a trashy amateur movie.
It's another case where it's easy to see why it has such a cult following.


Be sure not to miss:
- Don't hire Nephew Carl for any job.
- A cucumber used as a silencer.
- "That girl hasn't been the same ever since she joined the Chamber of Commerce."
- Rats enough!

Internet review:
"The dialogue alone is making me considering getting this on Blu-ray." - Mr.DuLac

Should I watch it?
It's worthwhile if you want something slightly odd.

Where can I find it?
Here on YouTube.

Punk Vacation gets...

Guns (1990)

"As a team, we can be as formidable as the London Bridge." - Shane

A team of experts tries to stop a dangerous criminal.
Starring: Donna Speir, Erik Estrada, Roberta Vasquez, William Bumiller, Bruce Penhall

Link to IMDB

Time for another Andy Sidaris film!

Dona

A powerful international criminal named Juan Degas has made millions selling weapons on the black market, but when he tries to have a lady assassinated in Hawaii, he attracts the attention of two ladies from the L.E.T.H.A.L. agency.

Dona and Nicole now begin investigating Juan, and the clues lead them to Las Vegas. But the ladies are in danger, because Juan already has men trying to kill them off before they ruin his crime business.
Juan is so elusive and powerful that Dona decides to get back-up from a team of her colleagues to help take him down.

Since this is an Andy Sidaris film we pretty much know exactly how this is all going to play out... Guns, breasts, explosions, muscles, and even some oily bikini wrestling.

Juan Degas

Yes, the man has a basic formula he uses in all of his films, but it usually makes for an entertaining 90 minutes. While Guns has some great moments of excitement, it definitely isn't one of his strongest.

The plot here is really thin, but at least that means it's easy to follow despite the fact that there are way too many characters to keep track of. There are the standard action sequences, with gun fights and explosions, but most of it is saved for the last 30 minutes. This means much of the movie is dealing with soap opera drama, and while it always maintains a forward momentum, it can get a bit dull at times.




Luckily, this is still a Sidaris movie, so there are some great highlights of creative cheesiness and humorously terrible acting. It's also nice to see that while the movie is sleazy, the ladies are always empowered and ready to be heroic.

Getting the team together

Die hard fans of Andy Sidaris will find something to keep them invested, since there are many reoccurring characters to see, but it might just be too gonzo for casual viewers. It's almost like the simplicity of the film's title says it all. There's not much here except the basic ingredients, but Sidaris is perfectly comfortable with that.

Be sure not to miss:
- The cow-print briefcase. This thing is in many Sidaris movies.
- If I ever start fishing, I'm going to need a remote controlled toy boat to deliver my beers.
- "Don't just do something! Stand there!"
- Danny Trejo has a small role.
- The story about the London Bridge in Arizona is true. Here's a wikipedia link.

Internet review:
"Guns isn't one of the best of the series, but it's got its moments." - unbrokenmetal

Should I watch it?
Only for Sidaris completionists.

Where can I find it?
Here on YouTube.

Guns gets...

Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror (1981)

"I've always been terrified of the dead, I hope we're going to leave them in peace." - Janet

A group of people try to survive a zombie outbreak
Starring: Karin Well, Gianluigi Chirizzi, Antonella Antinori, Pietro Barzocchini, Simone Mattioli

Link to IMDB

The movie begins with an old Professor discovering a tomb near his country estate, and he's eager to get inside and see what historical secrets are held within. But as soon as goes into the tomb he awakens a hoard of zombies that promptly kill him!
Now, unaware that the Prof. has died, six of his friends are coming to stay at his mansion for the weekend. Everyone is having a good time relaxing except for a young boy named Michael, but more on him later.

Trying to survive

It doesn't take long before the zombies wander onto the property and everyone panics. The cars are overridden, so no one can escape, but the survivors do find relative safety inside the mansion. The zombies may be clumsy and slow, but they are smart enough to use tools and weapons to force their way into the house. Despite the zombies desire to kill, they seem to want something besides just bloodshed, but what could it be!?

Micheal,
the real weirdo here.

This is one of those movies that has the quality of being "accidentally genius." I believe it was made with complete seriousness because of the care that went into creating tense urgency, but there's so much to laugh at that it almost becomes an unintentional spoof, or perhaps a meta-satire on Italian horror in general.

One of the strangest aspects of the movie is Michael. He's a very odd kid with some serious mommy-issues, and I have no idea why he's in the movie other than to provide more weirdness to an already weird movie. Adding to the oddness is the fact that the actor portraying this 10 year old boy is really just a very short 28 year old man! (And it's very noticeable.)

There's plenty of creative make-up and gore as people get ripped apart, which adds to the outrageous fun vibes instead of being scary. It's like the director wanted to make a horror film, but had no idea how to do anything seriously and resorted to being self-aware of the sloppy weirdness instead.

So yeah, it's a very strange movie with barely any plot. It's just a grindhouse mix of monsters, sleaze, unintentional hilarity, and zombie incest. (Yes, you read that correctly.)
Obviously, it was a lot of fun.

Be sure not to miss:
- One of the zombie masks is clearly a Frankenstein mask with crap all over it.
- Why are they using a priceless statue for target practice?
- While being attacked by zombies, the Professor says "No, I'm your friend."

Internet review:
"A sleazy trash gutmunch adventure into escalating absurdity." - IanWest

Should I watch it?
Yes.

Where can I find it?
Here on YouTube.

Burial Ground gets...