Alien Private Eye (1987)

"Let me see your ears!" - Lemro

An alien P.I. tries to save the world from something that's mostly confusing.
Starring: Nicholas Hill, Cliff Aduddell, Brenda Winston, John Alexander, Judith Burke

Link to IMDB

Lemro

Lemro is the coolest and toughest Private Investigator in L.A., but he's also secretly an alien from the planet Styx! He looks just like a human except for having pointy ears, which he usually hides under his fedora. One day he rescues a lady named Renee from being mugged by goons that are looking for a mysterious black disc, and this begins Lemro's involvement in the biggest case of his career.

It turns out that this black disc is an alien artifact that is capable of destroying entire worlds, but it's been broken into two pieces, and now a war is brewing among mobsters and gangsters as everyone tries to get their hands on both pieces.
Two other aliens, Elektra and Scama, also come to Lemro asking for help, but their motives may or may not be as trustworthy as they seem.


Since Renee and her brother accidentally have one half it places them in danger, while the other half is in the hands of a crazed crime lord named Kilgore. He's a ruthless psycho that thrives on an alien drug, which he also uses to control people because of its dangerous side effects.
Lemro and Renee begin to get romantic, but there are a lot of people scheming to get the two halves of the disk, and the danger is only increasing as the investigation leads Lemro closer to Kilgore.

Renee                                             Kilgore

Wow, this movie is truly bizarre in the most hilarious of ways. Every aspect seems slightly off kilter, like it was made by aliens trying to imitate humans... Maybe the director was from Styx!
The dialog especially feels like it wasn't written by a human, which creates a lot of unintentional humour whenever people speak.

"Earth is fun city." - Lemro

Half of a thing                                            The other half

The plot gets far too complicated and nonsensical, but it is an interesting twist on the 1980's cop thriller formula. I found myself constantly having questions that the movie never answers, so you really gotta just turn off your brain and enjoy the ride.

There are some sloppy fights to add action, but a lot of the movie actually aims for a film noir vibe, but oh boy does that ever fail. Just because you leave the lights off doesn't mean you're making a film noir!
All of this non-stop incompetence is wonderfully captivating, but it falls just a bit short of being a five-ham explosion.


Be sure not to miss:
- The bad guys have Hitler's body in cryogenic stasis. It's not explained, it's just there.
- What the hell is Scama's accent supposed to be? Peter Lorre with a sore throat?
- Take a drink every time Rob says "dude."
- A weird wind sound-effect is often used while indoors.

Internet review:
"It's awful, but I want to watch it again with friends immediately." - Gorman

Should I watch it?
Yes, but I recommended a friend with beers for back-up.

Where can I find it?
Here on YouTube.

Alien Private Eye gets...