A Talking Pony !?! (2013)

"Sorry, but you're saddled with me."  - Horatio

aka: A Pony's Tale
Juliet and her family struggle financially to keep their ranch, but Juliet thinks she has a secret that could keep the ranch open, her goddamn talking horse!

Starring: Kristine DeBell, Jenny Cipolla, Jason Faunt, and the voice of Johnny Whitaker

Link to IMDB

Horatio struts his stuff.

Juliet and her stepmother are dealing with the fact that they are going to have to sell their country ranch and move to the big city. But after getting hit on the head by a "lucky" horseshoe, Juliet is able to hear her friendly horse Horatio talk, and she gets the idea he could bring in the money needed to save the ranch. When a serious business man and his son show up, trying to convince them to sell the ranch property and turn it into a shopping mall, everyone has to do some serious soul searching. Selling the ranch would save the family from bankruptcy, but at the cost of their country lifestyle.
Will the ranch go under? Will anyone except Juliet hear the magic wisdom of Horatio? Will any of these lonely idiots ever find love? Do I want to die now? These are just some of the questions you will be faced to ask yourself during this movie.

This is the most recent movie in the five part Talking!?! series, and I can easily say it's also my least favourite of them so far. Although all of these movies are bottom-of-the-barrel family movies that even kids would find terrible, most of them at least have a charming quality that let you laugh at the sheer absurdity of what's going on. Unfortunately, Pony has very little of that original charm, and instead relies too much on cringe worthy slapstick (mostly in the form of two very pointless stepbrothers) and way too many slow, sweeping shots of nature. Seriously. I bet there's about 30 minutes of just staring at trees, creeks and mountains. That has always been a staple of the series to pad the running time, but it is taken to an extreme here that is just absurd.

"Don't worry about the brain damage, it will pass." - Wesley

Love will find a way, or whatever.

Almost all of the things that defined the other movies as a "series" are not present here, except for a sassy animal and Kristine DeBell does return as another mom character. Most noticeably missing is the porno mansion with wacky furniture, which has been the main set piece for every other movie. Horatio doesn't even do much in the movie beside tell jokes, and there's no attempt at a CGI mouth for him unlike the cat had, so when he finally does start talking it's pretty dull.
There is an attempt at a bit of a star-crossed lovers theme through the story, but it's barely dealt with in any meaningful way. Like everything else in the movie, it's constantly being interrupted by stock footage of nature or someone throwing in horse puns.

Be sure not to miss:
- The voice of Horatio is Johnny Whitaker, the dad from A Talking Cat!?!
- What was in that cup of tea!? One sip and his life is changed forever.
- The exact same shots of "A white car driving down a road" that has been in the other movies!
- There's still one more in the series to watch, An Easter Bunny Puppy.

Internet review:
"all farting and crashing." - SampanMassacre

Should I watch it?
Only if you really need to watch the entire series. But I just recommend watching A Talking Cat!?! again instead. Or just watch the trailer.

Where can I find it?
Unless you strike gold and find it on DVD, it's only available on American Netflix, under the name A Pony's Tale.

A Talking Pony!?! gets...