Microwave Massacre (1983)

"I'm so hungry, I could eat a whore." - Donald

Fed up with his wife's bad cooking, a man becomes a cannibal.
Starring: Jackie Vernon, Al Troupe, Claire Ginsberg, Marla Simon

Link to IMDB

It took less than five minutes for this movie to reveal that it was going to be pure schlock, and my heart went all pitter-patter as I felt a love connection forming.

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Donald, a simple construction worker that has grown tired of his mundane life. His wife seems to be the cause of his most of his woes, because she's a real nag that refuses to cook any of his favourite food for him. Donald's now resigned to eat microwave dinners and sandwiches that are as stale as his nonexistent sex life.

But wait! One night at dinner, Donald unexpectedly discovers a solution to the two major problems in his life - his nagging wife and his lack of tasty meals - when he loses his temper, kills her, and cooks her body in the microwave!
(It's a really big microwave.)


Donald doesn't have time for guilt or remorse because he's too busy feasting on delicious meat, and even his co-workers are eager to see what tasty treats Donald will have in his lunch each day. The only problem that he has now is a dwindling meat supply, so when Donald flirts with a lady at the bar he gets the idea to invite her over for dinner. *wink wink*
It's not long before Donald has fully embraced his cannibalistic appetites, and he becomes a skilled butcher as he invites a parade of tasty prostitutes and strangers into his kitchen.

"Have you ever screwed in 3-Dee?" - Dee Dee Dee

That's the central story of the movie, but oh boy, there sure is a lot of random gags thrown in here to keep the spoof train rolling. There are many pointless scenes that exist just for laughs, but almost all of the comedy fails at being legitimate humour. I was still laughing, of course, because it's easy to appreciate the hilarious incompetence.

He's very handy in the kitchen

Jackie Vernon was known for his dry comedic delivery, and his monotone performance here enhances the absurdity of the sloppy script. It's a bizarre mix of sitcom and exploitation that never makes sense.
The movie is terrible, sure, but it's fully aware of this and embraces its own sleazy nature. It's cheesy trash because that's exactly the way it was intended to be made, so at least the filmmakers are being honest with the audience.

Although there is plenty of blood it's not horrific, and the special effects don't even attempt realism. The sex scenes are probably the most disturbing moments!
There's little concern for logic or landing the jokes correctly, but it still manages to be entertaining. It's just too weird and too joyfully awful to be missed by anyone that enjoys cult schlock.


Be sure not to miss:
- That couch has some intense stains.
- Sam the bartender steals every scene he's in.
- Apparently, the bearded guy at the end is Paul Reubens, but I'm not sure if that's true.
- The dog, Napoleon...

Internet review:
"A unique guilty pleasure for people that want a serving of pitch-black humour." - Zabel

Should I watch it?
Yes, but I wouldn't attempt it sober.

Where can I find it?
Vidzi link here, but it also seems to be on YouTube.
And for anyone in Calgary, it is playing at the Globe on Oct. 29th.

Microwave Massacre gets...