Robo Vampire (1988)

A robot soldier battles drug dealers and hopping vampires.
Starring: Robin Macky, Nian Watts, Harry Myles

Link to IMDB

Originating in Chinese folklore and popularized throughout East Asian subculture, the hopping Jiangshi vampires became their own genre of B-movies which always guarantee a crazy time.

Mr. Boss is a Hong Kong drug lord currently dealing with the problem of an American strike force that has been ruining his business. His plan is to hire a sorcerer-priest that has a bunch of vampires, and use them to keep his drugs safe from the military. The wild vampires need to be kept under control with magic, but since they're nearly invincible they make great security guards.

Cocaine and ghouls are only the beginning of the chaos, because there's also another story taking place. A ghostly witch lady confronts the sorcerer about her lover being turned into a vampire-gorilla-monster, and there's a big battle as she tries to awaken her lover's memories of her. Eventually, the sorcerer allows Witch and Gorilla to get married, so that he can have both of them work for him... What the hell is going on!?
This is super slops and the plot is all over the place, but there's a lot of fun action and mystical weirdness so I'm okay with it, and we haven't even got to the Robocop stuff yet.

"We must find a way to deal with Tom, that goddamn anti-drug agent!" - Boss

Mr. Boss                                                               Witch lady                                                                      Sorcerer guy

The American strike force is led by Tom, who heads into the jungle to blow up some drugs and vampires, but he gets killed by gorilla vampire magic! That's not a problem for his doctors though, as they quickly turn him into RoboTom! It's not long before he's back in action, and now he's as unstoppable as the vampires.

This movie is one strange, manic ride. Not only is the plot delivered like a fever dream, there's two (or maybe three) stories mixed into each other for added confusion. Most of the time I was thinking "Who's that guy?" or "Who is shooting at who?" and "The Witch and Gorilla have some serious issues." But I didn't care that the story was haphazard, because there's plenty of other things to dazzle my mind.
The paranormal kung-fu fighting is fantastic, with people flying around shooting fireworks out of their hands and melting faces. The second half becomes geared more towards an action movie, as RoboTom and a group of rebels attack the drug cartel. The plot finally makes some sense here, but it also drags on for awhile and isn't quite as fun as the first half.

Robo Vampire is a thrilling disaster and you just have to accept the fact that many things are confusing. It's definitely worth seeing if you are curious about the Jiangshi genre, but the average viewer might just feel too overwhelmed and lost.

Be sure not to miss:
- Their attempt at Chinese water torture would be moderately annoying at worst.
- Ghost boobs.
- The saddest cyborg costume ever.

Internet review:
"Spectacularly stupid and stupidly spectacular, Robo Vampire is the Mona Lisa of
bad movies." - King Dingus

Should I watch it?
Recommended for the transcendental chaos.

Where can I find it?
Here on YouTube.

Robo Vampire gets...