Don't Go Near the Park (1979)

"How can we understand people in their time,
if we don't even understand ourselves in our time?" - Taft

aka: Sanctuary for Evil
Two powerful beings try to control a teenage girl...or something.
Starring: Tammy Taylor, Robert Gribbon, Barbara Monker, Meeno Peluce, and Aldo Ray

Link to IMDB

Thousands of years ago there lived two almost-immortal people named Gar and Tra. They were part of some tribe, but when they upset the spiritual leader she cursed the two with a very slow death.
Fast forward to the 1970s, and Gar and Tra (now going by the names Mark and Patty) have survived in Los Angeles by killing and eating people to stall the curse, but they feel their time is running short.

They plan to have a child so that they can sacrifice it for true immortality, so Mark goes on a mission to find a human wife. Using his mind powers, Mark hypnotizes a lady into marrying him and soon a baby is on the way.

     Bondi                                 Gar / Mark                           Tra / Patty

A new story begins with that baby, a girl named Bondi, as she's about to turn 16 years old. Bondi just happens to wander onto an old ranch where Patty lives in seclusion because everyone thinks the place is cursed. (The ranch is the titular park.) There she meets two runaways, Nick and Cowboy, who are happy to live on the ranch with Patty, away from their troubles.

We also meet an old man named Taft that is curious about what goes on at the ranch, and this leads to problems when he realizes that people tend to go missing there. Meanwhile, Mark and Patty still intend to sacrifice Bondi, but there's a horde of zombies that might just ruin the fun for everyone!

Nick                                     Cowboy                                    Taft

If any of that makes sense it was an accident, because this movie is one glorious mess that was clearly made by aliens that had never watched a movie before. From start to finish, every scene is so inept and convoluted that I was constantly asking myself  "What the hell am I watching?"

Most of the movie consists of things happening for no reason, and all of this nonsense is hilarious and insane. Every aspect imaginable is bewildering and the effect of this derangement was almost euphoric.

Park life

This is the type of trash that was blowing my mind with its absurdity and collapsing my mind with its stupidity at the same time. It's pure gonzo cinema that is practically unwatchable if you don't love terrible movies, but to me it was a very memorable experience that I know I'll enjoy again some day.


Does the movie deliver on the Don't...
6 out of 10
It takes forever before we really know what the park is, but I guess it's not the best place to visit.

Be sure not to miss:
- The movie claims to be "fiction, but based on actual occurrences."
- Mark goes through the trouble of actually getting married before having sex with the lady he's brainwashed. At least he's got some morals.
- The great Linnea Quigley plays Bondi's mom, but she doesn't get much to do.

Internet review:
"Anyone fascinated by low-budget dementia might appreciate the film's overwhelming weirdness." - Donald G

Should I watch it?
Recommended for the brave trash enthusiasts.

Where can I find it
Here on YouTube.

Don't Go Near the Park gets...